National List Day

In recognition of Jay Ferris's National List Day:

Things that shouldn't bother me as much as they do:
  • Expecting me to decipher and answer the question you asked while you were yawning.
  • Starting your karaoke song with: I've never sung this before, so I apologize ahead of time.
  • Hearing the words 'Truth' and 'Glen Beck' used together in a sentence. 
  • Standing behind you in line while you fill out a check, after the clerk finishes scanning your groceries.
  • Built-in bra tank-tops.
Things on TV agreed upon by everyone, but rarely mentioned:
  • Cleveland needs to move back into his house across the street from the Griffins.  He 'moved on up' to suckville.
  • Castle's daughter is—in every way—too amazingly perfect.
  • The only things better in the old days were the Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons; half-hour news; and Johnny Carson.
  • Allison DuBois's middle daughter needs to be killed off, Becky Conner-ized, or forced to attend acting class.
  • The best "talent shows" feature talentless-but-clueless idiots with massive egos.
 Things I hope are available or invented before I die (even though they are frivolous):
  • An all-in-one Squire-connectible Phone, Mp3, voice-activated hands-free GPS, Compass, Altimeter, Barometer, Sirius/XM Satellite radio, Camera with flash, Wallet, Flashlight, multi-tool with keyless-door unlock system (and yes, it must be no larger than my wallet and come in orange).  The idea is to consolidate everything in my pockets.
  • Inexpensive, healthy, shorthair miniature "toy" cats (fully grown, less than 1.5 kg).
  • Exceptionally good pornographic films, with A-list actors, directors, and scripts.
  • Trans-American bullet trains.
  • Lunar tourist resorts.
Things that should bother me more, but whichfor some reason or anotherdon't:
  • Natural disasters that kill fuckloads of people.
  • The foolishness, failures, and greed of governments, corporations, and people in general.
  • Rude drivers in a hurry behind me.
  • Drunk, elderly, or otherwise slow drivers ahead of me.
  • Anonymous comments or criticism.
Things I'm inordinately pleased are currently available:
When a dog runs at you, whistle for him. — Henry David Thoreau

No comments: