The Great Divide

           “There are two kinds of people in the world: those with loaded guns and those who dig...” —Blondie (Clint Eastwood, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly)

          For as long as humans have been obstinate assholes they have been divisive.  To declare 'there are two types...' and then attempt to define the issue one has with all the people who presently occupy the other camp has always seemed—to me—an extremely sophomoric way of making a point.

          For the better part of my life, I have avoided aphorisms in both word and thought.  I tend to see an infinitude of variations; always shades of grey, rarely black and white.  Until now.

          There are two kinds of people in the world:  those who flick the fingers of their dominant hand towards their wrist and then allow gravity to take over, bringing the toilet seat from vertical to horizontal, loudly, and with the same structural vibration as a bowling ball being dropped from waist height (intentionally communicating:  Hey there family members, friends, roommates and neighbors, I've just finished!) and, then, there are those who close the lid of their toilet.

          A codicil is required at this point since only about 1/3 of the world has toilet seats.  The majority of the world squats.  So, when I say there are two kinds of people in the world what I mean is that there are two kinds of people in the sitting world; the portion with hinged seats and covers.

          Before moving to my current apartment I thought that only ADHD addled juveniles with four-to-eight-second concentration spans were slammers (which I solved by installing soft-close seats in the other bathrooms).  Not so.

          I live below a couple.  Both are slammers.  One slam means the seat was up and one of them is beginning to void; a second slam in about 30 seconds = her pissing; a second slam after several minutes = her shitting; no second slam = him shitting.  And...(no kidding)...the single woman who's bathroom abuts our bedroom routinely drops both lid and seat after her male friend leaves them up (it doesn't happen every day, but that is probably because he isn't there every day). 

          A 'closer' can accidentally drop the lid (or communicate their anger with a slam) just like a 'slammer' can choose not to aggravate their own headache with loud noise...but...99% of the time there's no grey area; one is either a slammer or a closer.

          Self-centered, inconsiderate, rude, fumbling, obnoxious, thoughtless, less intelligent members of the population are slammers.  Closers are considerate, kind, conscientious, thoughtful, and empathetic.  I have met no reformed slammers or ex-closers so I have no information on the possibility of their existence.  I also do not know if there are correlations to other character traits, for example are slammers also litterbugs?  Are closers more willing to park at the back of the lot and walk?  Do slammers text during the film?  Is it only closers who hold the elevator?  Which picks up after their dog and which doesn't even carry a bag?

          I'm interested.  Slightly.  Though I've already made up my mind.

1 comment:

veach glines said...

Learned that my own sister is a slammer. She has attempted to alter her behavior, but has been unsucessful. Hummm...a red-state republican...also a slammer...coincidence or correlation?