1972 13 Peru, Indiana - Ninth grade - I buy a go kart - zip around cars in the neighborhood - two inches off the ground - 25mph (40kph). Exhilaration. I feel like I must have "got one over" on my parents because this feels like a loophole in their '
no motorized two-wheelers rule' and is crazy-dangerous times ten squared.
Peru, Indiana - Ninth grade - winter jamboree with the Boy Scouts - home after ten hours - no feeling in my feet - sitting on the kitchen counter with my grey toes in slowly running ice cold water - crying as the water is gradually warmed. Miserable. Unbearable pain. This is what torture must feel like.
1973 14 Peru, Indiana - Tenth grade - the local newsstand is more than willing to take my dollar - step dad's advice: "best not let mom find them" - no longer am I
pent up in the
house now that I have an ever-growing
gallery of nudes to peruse -
boy do I
play with myself a lot (until the novelty of buying my own wore off). I feel—secretly—more mature. Crossed an invisible milepost on my way to becoming a man.
Peru, Indiana -
Tenth grade - unconscious for about five seconds - I turn towards a slap shot - field hockey puck coming at my face - nothing - a ring of teammates peer down at me - broken nose bones just get a piece of tape "to remind you and others not to bump it." Foolish. Clumsy. Note to self:
duck faster dumbass.
1974 15 Peru, Indiana - Eleventh grade - youth group returning from a summer weekend trip to an amusement park on the church bus - night - teasing and being teased by the cute junior high school girl in the seat behind me - she gets a pillow and holds it over her - encourages exploration. Unexpected second base! Thrilled by the invitation to touch. Fear of getting caught by a chaperone. Apprehension that she might later tell someone because she's
so young.
Peru, Indiana - Eleventh grade - for months on end, dozens of nervous phone calls result in a handful of "dates" - all failures - sweaty hand-holding, uncomfortable silences, pecks goodnight. Rejected. Unwanted. Not good enough.
1975 16 Peru, Indiana - Twelfth grade - awarded the highest rank a Boy Scout can attain - I am an Eagle Scout. Elated. Successful. Accomplished.
Peru, Indiana - Twelfth grade - parents think we are at the Friday night movie - my girlfriend and I decide to "go parking" - I get the family car stuck in the mud - walk to the nearest house to use a phone - parents have to borrow a car to come push us out. Caught. Ashamed. Anger (after she tells friends).
1976 17 West Lafayette, Indiana - Freshman - carbide lamp - college buddies with experience and maps - several all day spelunking expeditions in little-known southern Indiana and northern Kentucky caves. Amazed by the sights. Physically challenged. Slightly scared (spiders near the entrances).
West Lafayette, Indiana -
Freshman - clearblue easy says it is time to pay for an abortion - $179 - girlfriend is afraid of her family so I agree to keep it secret. Foolish. Not proud. Not ashamed. Unnecessarily burdened.
1977 18 West Lafayette, Indiana - Sophomore - Yes concert - Donovan is the warm-up act - everyone, including my college buddies, are getting high - must have a contact high because afterwards I'm famished. Convoluted thoughts. Strong emotions. Blown away.
West Lafayette, Indiana -
Sophomore - Papa died unexpectedly - he was 62 - the weather is appropriately wet and dreary - I feel his absence even though we didn't talk regularly - his immediate and extended family's comments after the funeral are vile. Sorrow. Quiet.
1978 19 Milwaukee, Wisconsin - move from a state where the drinking age is 21 to a state where the drinking age is 18 - drop out of college - get a job and an apartment next to a bar. Giddy. Happy. Intoxicated.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin - consecutive terrible roommates - one left the front door open for days during a snowstorm and refused to pay the utility bill - the other kept open jars of urine in his bedroom and (somehow) killed my hamster. Victimized. Vandalized.
1979 20 Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Junior - the machine shop lays me off in June (planned on going back to school in August) - I fake all the job search documents for three
months - unemployment compensation funds a cheater vacation. Lucky. Pleased with my good fortune.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin -
Junior - broke my foot playing racquetball (walking cast) - benign testicular cyst removed (surgery) - impacted wisdom teeth extracted (surgery) - poor health is on a fifteen-year cycle (
see 1964). Gloomy. Blah.
1980 21 Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Senior - experimenting in advanced acrylics - I tack a plastic sheet over the classroom window - painted layers depict the essence of what is happening outside at the moment (from different points and times of day) - professor: "can I steal your idea?" - the next semester: dozens of plastic paintings cover the interior of most of the windows in the fine arts building - all his new students creating paintings like my experiment. Excessive pride (to the gloat level).
Milwaukee, Wisconsin -
Senior - a handful of guy "friends" only call when they need to get somewhere (I have a car) - the few girls I want to date just want to "be friends". Used. Bummed out. Tired of rejection.
1981 22 Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Super Senior - week of camping with my fiancee - "discovered" a semi-private lake while exploring upstate. Blissful. Peaceful. Content.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin -
Super Senior - wedding preparations, ceremony, reception and honeymoon night all according to plan (hers) - went along with it to make her happy - foolish inner dialogue: "it's just a ceremony," "it's just a day". Miserable. Uncomfortable. Unheard. Almost immediately: regret.
1982 23 Clarksville, Tennessee - PFC - graduate from the 101st Infantry Division's Air Assault School (after completing Infantry Basic Training) - rappel from helicopters and down walls - twelve-mile full-gear forced march (with a time limit). Very strong. Learning to adapt.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin - college dropout - "birth control failure" and she refuses an abortion - leave college (one semester shy of a degree) - join the Army. No longer in control. Petulant. Grudgingly conforming to the expectations of others.
1983 24 Clarksville, Tennessee - SP4 - 30-day training deployment in Puerto Rico - passenger in a blackhawk helicopter during a serious malfunction - gifted with a twelve-hour pass and a free round-trip flight to Saint Thomas in the US Virgin Islands - a day on an incredible beach. Ultimate relief (cheated death!) Maximum relaxation. Blissful.
Clarksville, Tennessee - SP4 - never enough (time, money or distraction) - wife never happy - motherhood not what she imagined - fall out of love - she moves home - collateral damage: become estranged from parents and sisters - all next year I'll be stationed in South Korea. Anxious. Disillusioned. Tired. Responsible.
the third dozen →
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