s n a p p e r h e a d: October 2013

I find it strange that my home state of Oregon, a state which seems at first (and second) glance to be quite socially and economically open-minded, is still constrained by yesteryear's bias; a prejudice which quite a few other states have already scraped off their shoes. But then I drive out of the Portland metropolitan area into the rest of the state.

There are verylittle-to-no social, political, intellectual, religious, or economic differences between the average resident who lives smack dab in the middle of Bumfuk, Oregon and his mouth breating cousin who lives in any meth-crazed portion of Arizona or Arkansas. Much of the time there seems to be just barely a majority of progressive-minded voters in Portland's Multnomah and Washington Counties to out-vote the remaining intolerant millions—who can't stand anyone who doesn't think, act, or look exactly the way they do.

Eventually we will make it legal. Maybe next year.

Because they are dieing. Of old age. And (many of) their grandchildren are less close-minded, less blindly religious, and less bothered by funny looking weird folks.

← the first dozen

1972 13 Peru, Indiana - Ninth grade - I buy a go kart - zip around cars in the neighborhood - two inches off the ground - 25mph (40kph). Exhilaration. I feel like I must have "got one over" on my parents because this feels like a loophole in their 'no motorized two-wheelers rule' and is crazy-dangerous times ten squared.
Peru, Indiana - Ninth grade - winter jamboree with the Boy Scouts - home after ten hours - no feeling in my feet - sitting on the kitchen counter with my grey toes in slowly running ice cold water - crying as the water is gradually warmed. Miserable. Unbearable pain. This is what torture must feel like.

1973 14 Peru, Indiana - Tenth grade - the local newsstand is more than willing to take my dollar - step dad's advice: "best not let mom find them" - no longer am I pent up in the house now that I have an ever-growing gallery of nudes to peruse - boy do I play with myself a lot (until the novelty of buying my own wore off). I feel—secretly—more mature. Crossed an invisible milepost on my way to becoming a man.
Peru, Indiana - Tenth grade - unconscious for about five seconds - I turn towards a slap shot - field hockey puck coming at my face - nothing - a ring of teammates peer down at me - broken nose bones just get a piece of tape "to remind you and others not to bump it." Foolish. Clumsy. Note to self: duck faster dumbass.

1974 15 Peru, Indiana - Eleventh grade - youth group returning from a summer weekend trip to an amusement park on the church bus - night - teasing and being teased by the cute junior high school girl in the seat behind me - she gets a pillow and holds it over her - encourages exploration. Unexpected second base! Thrilled by the invitation to touch. Fear of getting caught by a chaperone. Apprehension that she might later tell someone because she's so young.
Peru, Indiana - Eleventh grade - for months on end, dozens of nervous phone calls result in a handful of "dates" - all failures - sweaty hand-holding, uncomfortable silences, pecks goodnight. Rejected. Unwanted. Not good enough.

1975 16 Peru, Indiana - Twelfth grade - awarded the highest rank a Boy Scout can attain - I am an Eagle Scout. Elated. Successful. Accomplished.
Peru, Indiana - Twelfth grade - parents think we are at the Friday night movie - my girlfriend and I decide to "go parking" - I get the family car stuck in the mud - walk to the nearest house to use a phone - parents have to borrow a car to come push us out. Caught. Ashamed. Anger (after she tells friends).

1976 17 West Lafayette, Indiana - Freshman - carbide lamp - college buddies with experience and maps - several all day spelunking expeditions in little-known southern Indiana and northern Kentucky caves. Amazed by the sights. Physically challenged. Slightly scared (spiders near the entrances).
West Lafayette, Indiana - Freshman - clearblue easy says it is time to pay for an abortion - $179 - girlfriend is afraid of her family so I agree to keep it secret. Foolish. Not proud. Not ashamed. Unnecessarily burdened.

1977 18 West Lafayette, Indiana - Sophomore - Yes concert - Donovan is the warm-up act - everyone, including my college buddies, are getting high - must have a contact high because afterwards I'm famished. Convoluted thoughts. Strong emotions. Blown away.
West Lafayette, Indiana - Sophomore - Papa died unexpectedly - he was 62 - the weather is appropriately wet and dreary - I feel his absence even though we didn't talk regularly - his immediate and extended family's comments after the funeral are vile. Sorrow. Quiet.

1978 19 Milwaukee, Wisconsin - move from a state where the drinking age is 21 to a state where the drinking age is 18 - drop out of college - get a job and an apartment next to a bar. Giddy. Happy. Intoxicated.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin - consecutive terrible roommates - one left the front door open for days during a snowstorm and refused to pay the utility bill - the other kept open jars of urine in his bedroom and (somehow) killed my hamster. Victimized. Vandalized.

1979 20 Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Junior - the machine shop lays me off in June (planned on going back to school in August) - I fake all the job search documents for three months - unemployment compensation funds a cheater vacation. Lucky. Pleased with my good fortune.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Junior - broke my foot playing racquetball (walking cast) - benign testicular cyst removed (surgery) - impacted wisdom teeth extracted (surgery) - poor health is on a fifteen-year cycle (see 1964). Gloomy. Blah.

1980 21 Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Senior - experimenting in advanced acrylics - I tack a plastic sheet over the classroom window - painted layers depict the essence of what is happening outside at the moment (from different points and times of day) - professor: "can I steal your idea?" - the next semester: dozens of plastic paintings cover the interior of most of the windows in the fine arts building - all his new students creating paintings like my experiment. Excessive pride (to the gloat level).
Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Senior - a handful of guy "friends" only call when they need to get somewhere (I have a car) - the few girls I want to date just want to "be friends". Used. Bummed out. Tired of rejection.

1981 22 Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Super Senior - week of camping with my fiancee - "discovered" a semi-private lake while exploring upstate. Blissful. Peaceful. Content.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Super Senior - wedding preparations, ceremony, reception and honeymoon night all according to plan (hers) - went along with it to make her happy - foolish inner dialogue: "it's just a ceremony," "it's just a day". Miserable. Uncomfortable. Unheard. Almost immediately: regret.

1982 23 Clarksville, Tennessee - PFC - graduate from the 101st Infantry Division's Air Assault School (after completing Infantry Basic Training) - rappel from helicopters and down walls - twelve-mile full-gear forced march (with a time limit). Very strong. Learning to adapt.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin - college dropout - "birth control failure" and she refuses an abortion - leave college (one semester shy of a degree) - join the Army. No longer in control. Petulant. Grudgingly conforming to the expectations of others.

1983       24         Clarksville, Tennessee - SP4 - 30-day training deployment in Puerto Rico - passenger in a blackhawk helicopter during a serious malfunction - gifted with a twelve-hour pass and a free round-trip flight to Saint Thomas in the US Virgin Islands - a day on an incredible beach. Ultimate relief (cheated death!) Maximum relaxation. Blissful.
                            Clarksville, Tennessee - SP4 - never enough (time, money or distraction) - wife never happy - motherhood not what she imagined - fall out of love - she moves home - collateral damage: become estranged from parents and sisters - all next year I'll be stationed in South Korea. Anxious. Disillusioned. Tired. Responsible.
      the third dozen →