The Tobbo Shop (Agent Veach)

speculative fiction short story begging to become a novel 

—This room contains three potential threats: the two men sharing a booth against the far wall and the woman standing in the back, who is now approaching.—

‘She’s a waitress; don’t slack her until she gets my order’. Veach smiled to himself, turned around a table near the entryway, and sat with his back to the room. Sunlight illuminated the first few meters of the eat-shop, through a wall of bottles stacked like cord wood and mortared in place. His aug replayed the room-scan, superimposed over the colorful light pattern on the worn and cracked plastic tabletop, then paused to focus, zoom, and capture facial features (one of the men in the booth was in profile). Before the waitress crossed the room to his table, her identifiction portfolio and that of the two men were displayed for Veach to read. His aug began a voice-over synopsis.

—the waitress, Natalie Druj, also Natalie P. Standsberry, has a double shot carbon-oxygen projectile weapon strapped to her right thigh. No outstanding warrants. Is an affiliate member of a local group known as: Consul Lecture, which advocates political reform and—

The aug muted and ID folios faded from view as Veach touched his right rear molar with the tip of his tongue. He looked up and met the waitress’ eyes.

“I can get you a seat in the back if you’d like.” Natalie Druj said in a pre-pubescent voice more appropriate coming from a child than a middle-aged woman. The Hello, my name is ANGELA nametag on her green and white bib-apron was made with red tape from a label gun, which Veach was looking at in order to gauge the size of her chest against the timber of her voice. Nice firm un-bra-supported breasts were observable around the sides of her bib-apron.

“No, thank you, Angela. I prefer to sit in the sun.” Plenty of people don’t use their real name, he thought. ...Annnd now, coming to the center stage put your hands together gentlemen for: Aaanngelaaa. Not a big deal, she’s wearing a pseudonym.

“I don’t blame ya, with what little we get. Do you want a menu or just coffee this morning?” The left crease of her mouth had an old scar that caused her to talk mostly out of the right corner of her mouth. She looked as cute as she sounded. She was Betty Boop, in a slutty, deceitful, packing-a-derringer kind of way.

“A vanilla shake, two grilled cheese sandwiches, potato chips and dill pickle spears, please.” Veach said. Natalie/Angela/Betty Boop opened her mouth to say something, closed it, smiled, nodded her head and turned away. Veach followed her walk to the back of the shop. It was a pleasant not-too-hippy walk. As she pushed through a set of swinging doors into what was probably the kitchen, he tapped his tongue against the back of his lower right front bicuspid, upper, then lower, then upper again.

“....certainly got a better idea than you or I ever had, don’t you think...” a magnified matronly woman’s voice jumped from the back corner of the room. Veach slow-pivoted his head back towards the wall of different sized bottles. “....afford the amount of interest he would...” A young man said from the center of the room and then faded away, replaced by a whooshing of air and a squeaking of hinges: the kitchen doors. Veach tapped his right lower bicuspid, then upper, once more. Betty Boop’s muffled voice: “...lunch time yet, but it ain’t like ya can’t make...” Tapping his teeth a few more times, her voice got louder as the room noise was damped and filtered away. “...a couple of melted cheese’s while I make the shake. For crissake Leo, you act like you’ve got a silverware and china plate restaurant instead of a regular plastic eat-shop.”

An effeminate male sing-songed, “Is thiss coming from my very ssame Angela that growls at the free-refill fuckers and spits at the stolen-food-stamp mommy’s?” A clatter of plates and whirr of a blender; tooth tap, and the male voice was clearer: “Oh no, my child. I maybe walk this exceptional lunch out for you. See for my big self what kind of gorgeous can get my Angela to be making menu exceptionss.”

A little girl’s giggle was followed by Betty Boop’s voice: “Hands off Leonard. You know how I get when blondes with Steve McQueen eyes and a surfer body are dressed halfway decent? Well, this one’s all that and only eats a bag of chips. He can...” Veach flicked the gum below his lower bicuspid and the chatter-volume of the room returned to normal. Again, smiling to himself, he touched the back of his right rear molar. The ID folios returned and the voice-over resumed.

— has been connected with members of ultra-fundamentalist sects: ARMA and SCIONA.—

‘List all aliases. Cross-reference this address. List Angela or variations, like Angelica.’

— There is no record of additional alias. No record of her employment at this establishment. This establishment employs no Angela or variation of same; the owner of which is —

‘Obviously there should be. Add it. Today’s date. My credentials as point of contact.’

— Added as directed. —

Enjoying the smells of bacon and biscuits brought by Natalie/Angela/Betty to another table, Veach perused the ID folios of the two men in the far booth (boys, actually). Brothers: Jason and Joshua, greatly enjoyed residing at Southern Arizona Regional Rehabilitation Community for Youth. They both lived there—on and off—more than half their lives. (What a poor combination of words for a jeuvie-camp, Veach thought; such an ineffectual acronym.) The boys’ most recent offense: armed robbery, explained the projectile and edged weapons they each had concealed under their clothing. Although neither of the boys seemed to warrant any concern, Veach directed his aug to conduct PMS and screen the results. Passive Monitoring Surveillance, what a great acronym for a non-evasive, almost impossible to discover, untraceable examination of someone’s every word and movement.

“Here ya go.” Said Natalie/Angela/Betty, placing his order in front of him as well as a metal mixing-cup containing extra vanilla shake. “Anything else I can get?”

“The food looks great, thank you.” Veach said. “It would be nice to sit in the sun, here, and talk; but it looks like sitting isn’t something you get to do much.”

She rolled her eyes as she smiled, “There’s usually two of us, but not today.” Then in a hushed tone, she said, “I’d love to sit and talk but I don’t see a break coming any time soon.” As she wrote on the bill and placed it on the corner of the table she said—back in her normal Betty Boop timbre—“Thank you and I’ll take care of that whenever.” She turned to clear empty plates behind him and began taking a couple’s order.

The bill, once Veach turned it over, contained a few looped letters (obviously, coded acronyms for his meal) followed by the total: 27.80 and then twelve numbers broken with dashes.

‘Track this number.’

— Personal Auricular Gainsay Echelon listed to: Angela Rachel Montey.... Deceased, July 2087; blunt force cranial trauma.... McFadden Air Car accident in which the mandatory—

‘Connect. After identification tag, disconnect without leaving a message. Go to sub-vocal if actually answered. Also, attempt PMS trace to locate the receiver.’

— Use of government equipment, including specialized augmentations, for personal use is prohibited under Title 28, subsection...—

‘Nothing is personal. Ever. Discontinue all future notifications of this nature—visual or aural. Your assumptions are based upon erroneously templated information. Execute last directives.’

Veach alternated bites of warm sandwich oozing with several types of cheeses with a few salty chips, a sour crunch of pickle and a frothy gulp. It would be a generic metallic-electronic voicemail. He was certain. With one sandwich gone and a mouthful of cheesy-chips being masticated, his aug reported the location: 18 meters west of his current location, followed by one word—connected.

“Hello.” Betty Boop’s voice said, the sound of water splashing on a hollow metal surface in the background. There didn’t seem to be any recognition in her voice. No sub-vocal ability or incoming trace. Odd. Veach wondered if those abilities were unavailable to people who died over fifty years ago.

“Hello, Angela. I. Well...I intended to follow up with your voicemail because I didn’t think you would answer at work.” Veach said swallowing what was still in his mouth.

“Ummm. I don’t...”

“Sorry. How stupid of me. This is grilled cheese sandwiches and vanilla shake. My name is Veach and I would like to meet you after work?”

“Oh Hi. Yeah, that would be great. Maybe nineteen thirty or so?” She asked.

“Sure. You pick the place.” Veach said.

“A drink-shop on Evergreen called Myra’s, how about there?” She replied.

“I’ll meet you there tonight at nineteen thirty, Angela.”

“OK. Peach? Did you say?” She asked.

“Yep, just like that, only with a Vee.”

“See you tonight, Veach.” A giggle and the sound of running water ended.

Veach left two twenties on the table and walked out with half a sandwich wrapped in a paper napkin for Jerry.

‘locate a park or open-air zone. Direct me to it. Have Jerry maintain out of sight optimal circumference.’

— Nearest unrestricted zone is 1.5 kilometers west of this commercial-industrial area. Numerous buildings in the immediate vicinity have public access elevators for..—

‘Directions, visual only; automatic sunglass optics; maintain full bubble; music selection random SC-2.’ Veach tapped his teeth together in a short bite-like motion. Veach’s corneas darkened slightly and his current favorite selection began playing as he followed the yellow arrows that shimmered and disappeared ahead of him like heat waves on the horizon.

There were not many people using the shadowed walk-strips between the buildings, so Veach set a leisurely pace, his optics adjusting to compensate for the lack of sunlight by turning everything an ugly shade of amber. Every so often he would stop and look for Jerry. Once—when Veach stopped and sat on a metal bench—he thought he saw just the side of his cheek and tip of an ear around one corner of a rec-rec. But it was too far ahead of him to be sure and by the time he stood and walked the hundred meters or so, no Jerry.

Veach could see where the open-zone began because a slice of blue sky and white clouds replaced the buildings canyon-walls. As he entered the open zone and his optics darkened, he expected to see Jerry sitting in the middle by one of the trees. Still no Jerry.

There were more people here, enjoying the sunlight. The buildings appeared to be residential-commercial and upscale at that.

‘Move the MAC for pick-up at current location. Have Jerry rendezvous here.’ He scanned around this perimeter of towering buildings and decided on a rocky area used in the day by young children for playing and at night by older children for games of their own. At present, it was occupied by three large blue-white-and-black birds sharing a meal off the ground. As Veach left the shadow of the nearest tree and began ascending the low incline of granite, one of the three hopped in his direction and screeched. A definite warning threat. Veach smiled and looked over his shoulder. Coming up the rise from behind another tree, Jerry was in full predation mode. Slunk low so his belly touched the short grass, ears straining forward in the direction of the birds, his mouth opened and closed jerkily. Veach could hear Jerry chittering.

‘What’s he saying to the birds?’

— This is not a valid question. Jerry is making an instinct-driven noise, not speaking. —

‘I will take your answer to mean: you don’t know.’

As the air car lowered toward the birds, and its shadow slowly covered them, the birds looked up and flew off in unison. Before following Veach into the air car Jerry had to smell the remaining detritus the birds failed to carry off.

“Come on Jerry, I got something for you.” Veach said. Removing the napkin from his pocket and unwrapping it from around half of a grilled cheese sandwich. Jerry bounded into the MAC as the port hatch irised shut.

‘Begin a random false insertion program following unrestricted air-lanes open to all commercial and private vehicles. Once within public air lanes, remove coded transponder data identifying this vehicle as exempt from traffic regulations. Obtain and utilize transponder signature of a private delivery company; identify and mirror a real name and license from an existing company operating legally in this region.’

Jerry mewled up at Veach because he had paused during the process of peeling the slices of bread apart, prior to laying them on the napkin that was already open on the floor.

‘Obey all speed and traffic regulations. False insertions should be locations the principal would have probable reason to visit during a stay in this region. Full bubble at all times. Save all aural and optic scans from false insertion sites. I will reference them later.’ Veach could feel from the ever so slight shifting of his body’s center of gravity that the air car was already moving in the public air lanes.

— The lack of previous visits to this region by the principal prevent a random generation of false insertion points. Recommend map selections. —

A detailed map appeared in his optical aug. Although there were some building names, there were not enough for Veach to know what establishments were located within them.

‘Replace map with a local fine dining guide, pages 19, 21, and 56.’ Find the closest hospital to current location. Land at entrance utilized by general public for outpatient visits unless there is a VIP entrance; if so, use that.’

The map disappeared and Veach was left watching Jerry pull the cheese off the bread with his teeth and tongue the cheese against the roof of his mouth. At least he seemed to be enjoying himself. A color display replaced the map. Pages 19 and 20 contained advertisements. Nineteen for a MAC dealership and twenty for a something called Executive Shopping Plaza (ESP, Veach mused.) Pages 21 and 22 were also advertisements; 21 for a restaurant called: Em’s (the visuals, smiling people toasting champagne, were no assistance determining cost or what type of food they served) and 22 was for a restaurant called Food Shop (listing the catch phrase: For THE Fine Dining Experience!!!). Three exclamation points were sufficient reason to never consider eating there, Veach thought. Pages 55 and 56 contained listings for seven restaurants. They all began with the letter Q. Included after a brief synopsis was a cryptic group of symbols which were supposed, Veach decided, to indicate at a glance: an average meal cost (little knives crossed over forks), average drink costs (little martini glasses), entertainment value (little musical notes), and the last one was probably overall dining value (little colored faces with different expressions). A quick scan revealed that Qwerts on Quail was the most costly and had a little lime green face beaming with a look of adoration or worship.

— Currently on approach. Landing, 27 seconds. Mac Fadden wing of the Mendileno County Critical Care Facility. Because this vehicle now reflects local livery sedan status, Identifiction Portfolio of sufficient credential were required to obtain landing clearance. In keeping with current subterfuge, a local individual of sufficient status was provided. All scans indicate we are not under surveillance or being followed, recommend —

‘Visual aug of landing, on. Jerry remains in the MAC; I will be gone only a few minutes, so don’t rack. Oh, yea, who am I supposed to be?’

The optics changed to a quickly approaching building entrance as the MAC descended. Veach looked down between his knees to help adjust the dizzy feeling he got every time an optic aug view was moving from a different perspective than the angle of his head. A security cover was in place over the actual entryway. About a dozen MAC’s remained in stationary hover near the surface of the roof and Veach could see several people standing outside some of the ones that weren’t racked. Why stand near their vehicles? Personal security was ineffectual if visible outside the air car. Maybe they were actually drivers, waiting to see their principals in order to know when to bring the MAC to the entrance? How quaint, Veach mused.

— Milton Ulysses Gould, 73, retired politician. He lives 163 kilometers from this facility and has been a patient here in the past. He used the livery service currently broadcasting, to deliver him here in December of last year. Chosen because this was supposed to be a false insertion, you did not say you were exiting. —

‘Change of plans. Get used to those. I follow my intuition and since you are along for the ride, so to speak, you do too. I appreciate that you are gaining a sense of humor, though.’ The MAC slowly glided into the shade of the security awning, came to a halt, and Veach got out.

The outstretched hand of a man dressed in an impeccable business suit did not falter like his face did. Scanning the sky and horizon of rooftops for a second car and then looking behind Veach to determine if MUG was going to exit the MAC behind him. “Our incoming network reported Mister Gould was arriving, unexpectedly, but..” He said.

“I apologize for the ruse, my name is Veach. I would imagine your facility is not a stranger to receiving patients who are less than willing to forecast their identity.” They entered through a pair of sliding doors and the man in the suit nodded and shrug-motioned to two men dressed in starched white smocks.

‘Quick scan ID.’

— H. T. Drilbourne, Assistant Director of Public Relations, unarmed, unaugmented. A passive auto request for security personnel to respond has been deleted. —

The orderlies turned away, one pushing a wheelchair ahead of him. The glass doors closed behind Veach in a whoosh of vacuum pressure and an additional pair of sliding wooden doors opened ahead of the orderlies, creating a similar pressure of a smaller magnitude.

In a guarded but jovial manner, the suit said, “Mister Veach, we do have individuals from time to time, who arrive without advance ID. We refer to them as ‘UP’s for Unidentified Persons. But I would have to say it is highly irregular, and quite possibly illegal, to request and receive arrival clearance at any facility—especially one employing security measures as we do here, at the CCF—utilizing a stolen identity! Why it is not only wrong, it...”

“My credentials.” Veach said as they walked through the wooden doors. As he handed Drilbourne the slim case from his inside breast pocket, opening them with a finger to reveal the small gold and blue badge, before allowing the weight of the case to hang open. “You, sir, are Mister Drilbourne, with public relations?” Drilbourne’s face muscles tightened as he read the credentials and handed them back. Veach continued, as he pocketed them, “I think we need to meet with the chief of security as well as the Director of your division. Is that something you can set up immediately without any alarm bells being rung?”

“I’m afraid that is no longer possible. As I said, our security here is exceptional. Once the system didn’t receive confirmation of Mister Gould’s arrival...” Drilbourne allowed his words to trail off as he shrugged.

“Would we have made it this far into your facility, if there were a security alert?” Veach asked. At this point Drilbourne seemed to become aware of the amount of progress they had made—already very far along the carpeted hallway, already passed several glass and wooden doors which obviously connected to branching hallways—and he looked up at the ceiling.

“Well. I guess you are right, Mister Veach. We.” He hesitated. His jovial manner returned. “There would be a small flashing beacon in every seventh recessed panel and we should never have made it through that first set of wooden doors.” Pointing his thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll set up a discreet meeting.” He said in a quieter tone as they approached a bank of tobbo doors.

The meeting lasted long enough for Veach to explain the purpose of conducting an advance security survey of their critical care facility and gain permission to examine the complete floor plan.

Everything he had said was as truthful as need be: It was necessary to familiarize himself with hospitals, itinerary locations, hotels and to plan for contingencies; if he had a severely wounded principal, the time spent familiarizing himself today would be crucial in saving his principal’s life. But, none-the-less, it was a facade. Veach had no intention of bringing his principal here. Yesterday he conducted an advance survey of the Samaritan Trauma Center. It was centrally located to most of the principal’s itinerary locations and hotel. So, Veach figured, unless the MAC the principal is traveling in, gets rockblocked and drops onto this facility, he will never return.

But, he did find something he suspected he would need when Drilbourne allowed him access within the security firewall of their system. Veach manually scrolled, located and memorized an address: TZ 25976213. This address was something his new aug would certainly have found faster, but would probably have saved it to some internal network system. Possibly notified some mother-aug. Good old memory would suffice with something this valuable, Veach thought.

Chapter 2 - coming as soon as Veach gets a roundtuit.

Patrol Cap Years 1982-2002 (1989)

 
 

           After scanning my first chapter, 1981 — early-winter; Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA; 5th-year undergraduate student at the University of Wisconsin — A friend said to me, “This should be labeled: Preface.”

          I gave her a not too condescending, thank-you-for-criticizing-so-quickly grimace and replied, “I thought if I began my two-decade identi-ficton portfolio: The Patrol Cap Years, A Soldiers Career from 1982-2002, with the year 1981, it would be a smooth way of detailing some crucial information—why I joined the Army—without it being treated the way a morning DJ treats musical intro-stanzas."

          She looked at me with a what's-this-crazy-fuck-saying expression. “You didn’t call it a preface because you didn’t want someone to talk over it?”

          “Yes.” I said, “That’s it exactly. And it’s working so well.”

          Then I moved 1981 to the middle of my two decades.  I read years ago in a how-to book ... or maybe I recall from the movie Adaptation (the grizzled speaker at the script-writing seminar) that every story should begin when the main viewpoint character discovers he is no longer happy with his lot in life.  So my career in the US Army now begins:

          1989 — late-spring; Seoul, Republic of Korea; Military Police Investigator, Sergeant E5, 142d MP Company (attached to the Yongsan CID Field Office, Joint Black-market and Drug Suppression Team) —

Dear Soldiers and Family Members,

      The suppression of black-marketeers and the identification of ration control violators is one of the highest priorities of this command. Military Police assigned as Black-market suppression team investigators are over-worked, vigilant, extremely dedicated to their mission, and not, as one person wrote, “lazy, ineffectual and a waste of taxpayer’s money” (Never Any Banana’s, 10 Apr 89).

     Additional control measures are being put into effect to reduce the purchasing ability of the “racetrack mama’s who daily buy up every frozen hotdog, bottle of Suave shampoo and bar of Ivory soap,” (Disgusted, 30 Mar).

     I have discussed item availability with directors and commanders of the District Post Exchange and Yongsan Commissary. Understandably, some minor distribution problems have occurred. I have been assured, with the recent completion of the new Commissary, that logistics has been vastly improved and sufficient quantities will be available of all high-demand items.

     I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the hard working officers and enlisted MPs in my command who sacrifice countless hours to provide for the safety and security of this community.

     - R. W. Powles, Lieutenant Colonel, MP, Provost Marshal

Commander, Eighth US Army ATTN: Brigadier General Thomas E. Manikins, Assistant Deputy Commander (Movement), Yongsan, Korea
Sir, 
      Yesterday the Pacific Stars and Stripes carried a response written by LTC Powles addressing black-marketing complaints which have been posted in the ‘Letters’ section over the past few months. Specifically, the Provost Marshal (PM) wrote, “The suppression of black-marketing...is one of the highest priorities of this command...”. 
     This statement is misleading and certainly does not conform to the facts. I am—at present and for the last two months—the sole member of the Yongsan Joint Black-market and Drug Suppression Team (JBM/DST). No matter how much I would like to say my efforts are significant, I alone am incapable of effecting black-market and drug suppression in a community of over five thousand. 
      Although there is not a current Letter of Agreement (LOA) between the PM and the Commander of the Yongsan CID Office, (delineating the number of Military Police for BM and DST) the most recent LOA, dated 1987, outlines the attachment of ten MPs. When I began working with CID as a black-market investigator over a year ago, there were eight; four with black-market suppression and four with drug suppression. Through attrition, re-assignment and absorption into the MP Investigations Section (directed by the PM) the JBM/DST has been slowly reduced to one. Me. 
      I suspect the only reason I have not been re-assigned, and the JBM/DST left dormant, is because my application for training as an Apprentice Special Agent, with the US Army Criminal Investigations Division, was approved last year. I have orders to report to CID school in less than six months. 
      I am writing this letter now, sir, because until yesterday I thought my numerous requests for more investigators would soon be met. I recognize I am going around my chain-of-command by delivering this letter to you and I am also aware of the risks of affixing my name, rather than sending an anonymous note. 
      I decided you were the correct person to inform because you are the highest-ranking Military Police Officer in Korea. As to why I didn’t send this letter anonymously: I believe an unsigned letter carries little to no weight. 
- Veach Glines, SGT, MP, JBM/DST Investigator

           “Glines. Hey. How’s it going?” Captain Ruffalo said as I stuck my head in and rapped on his doorframe.

          I approached his desk and handed him a copy of the letter. “Sir. I thought it would be wise to provide you with this. It’s not my intention to bind-side you. I know you’ve addressed the manpower issue with the Provost Marshal on numerous occasions and I ...” The captain had already begun reading and raised his finger to silence me. I sat in one of the green and gray armchairs and looked at the green and gray office equipment which adorned his office just like every other office in the building. The exception, because he was the Field Office Commander, was two crossed flags behind his desk: The stars and stripes and a large blue flag with a gold Criminal Investigations Division crest in the center.

          “You didn’t already send this, did you?” He asked, briefly looking up at me. Maybe hoping to locate a big smile on my face which might tell him I was part of a prank. I was calm and unsmiling. He returned to the page as I replied in the affirmative. I told him how, just before coming to see him, I’d hand delivered the letter to the general’s aide. “This is probably the ballsy-ist, most-stupid-thing I’ve ever seen someone do.” He said as he put the letter down. “You realize I can’t be much help to you, Glines?”

          “I understand, sir.”

          “Since you're not an Agent, it's out of my hands. The Provost Marshal has control over all MPs and I’m pretty sure he's going to exert some of that control on you. And it won’t be pleasant to watch.” He said.

          Three days later I learned from the CID First Sergeant that I was to report to the Provost Marshal’s Office in BDU’s. Getting told to wear the Battle Dress Uniform was supposed to be the strong hint that my world was about to change because I normally wore civilian clothing or whatever would make me blend with my surroundings.

          After a sufficiently lengthy wait in the outer office, obviously intended to make me dread the upcoming confrontation, the MP Command Sergeant Major exited the Provost Marshal’s office and said, “OK, Glines, you need to knock and then report to the Colonel.”

          I knocked. The Provost Marshal told me to enter. I conducted some facing movements which moved me march-step from the doorway to the center point of the room facing a big heavy-oak desk. Once centered on the Provost Marshal, I came to the position of attention, rendered a salute and said, “Sergeant Glines, reports.”

          My eyes were focused straight ahead over the Provost Marshal at the point where two flags crossed: the stars and stripes and a large kelly-green and gold banner which I knew (even though I could not see without moving my eyes) contained Military Police crossed pistols and a gold emblem in the center. I held my salute for a few long seconds. Once I saw, in my peripheral vision, the Provost Marshal return the salute in a sloppy loose-wristed manner, I dropped my hand. He then read my letter to me with asides and comments interjected every phrase or so. He made an enthusiastic point of finding two spelling errors and one mistake in grammar.

          After ten minutes the Provost Marshal slammed his hand on the top of his desk and shouted, “You say here: ‘I recognize I am going around my chain-of-command’. Going around? Going AROUND!? You didn’t go around your chain-of-command, Sergeant, you took out a poncho, threw it over the heads of your entire chain-of-command, and then proceeded to stomp on that poncho.”

          His words were closer together. His breath was becoming audible. I think it was about this point that he became aware of a tactical error he had made at the beginning of my ass chewing. And I hoped it was too late to fix: He had left me standing at the position of attention. He was sitting. Without eye-contact, it was easy for me to just interject brief yes-sir’s and no-sir’s at the crossed flags whenever his inflection raised enough to sound like he needed an amen from the congregation. I wondered how he got dark wood office furniture when the CID Commander got routine-green metal. I surmised it was because the CID Commander was only a Captain.

          He switched tactics. “Sergeant, how many years have you been in?”

          “I joined in 82, sir.” I told the crossed flags; which was not an answer to his question. I would like to be able to boast about mental nimbleness; about how I was so unaffected by his verbal rant, that I instantaneously provided an almost-answer inside of half a heartbeat. Truthfully—though—I was flustered. After my previous one word answers, affirmative or negative, given in response to his querulous statements about the purpose of my letter, my insubordinate tone, and my facts, (which came out: “faacts” by the emphasis in his voice) he had now asked a question requiring more than a simple yes or no. Answering his question required me to subtract today’s date from the month and year I entered the Army. My brain immediately recalled that date and then instead of doing the math myself, which would require a pause for a second or three—a sign of weakness, I relayed the year alone.

          “Are you promotable?” He asked, without slowing.

          “No, sir.” I said.

          “You should have been promoted to Staff Sergeant in your fifth or sixth year. Why haven’t you gone before the promotion board?”

          Uh-oh, I thought. “Sir, for several years CID has only considered applicants in grades E5 and below. This moratorium prevents E5 promotable Sergeants and above from applying to become Agents. I turned down promotion boards because of my goal to become an Agent, sir.” 

          Even with my extra sir's, he lost all remaining composure. I think he must have been hoping to learn of prior misconduct—the normal reason for stagnation in rank or slow promotion. He shouted, “I am going to do everything in my power to insure you never become a CID Agent!”

          I was removed from the JBM/DST and put in an MP Platoon where I held the job of Team Leader (a junior-Sergeant's job, one which I'd held many years prior). I was administered a Physical Fitness Test. I was ordered to be weighed as well as submit to a body fat percentage test. I was directed to piss in a bottle to test my urine for illegal substances. Further, I had to layout all my military gear for inspection. Over the next two days I performed within standard or passed everything. In the community there was a housing complex where lower ranking MPs were assigned to patrol and check ID cards because a Korean College was a short distance down the street and students who hated the US military presence sometimes congregated and became violent. I was a great gate guard.

          After a couple of weeks I spoke with my previous CID Agent-supervisor. He told me that there was nothing the Provost Marshal could do to impede my CID school attendance. He also told me six new MP Investigators were already working with the JBM/DST and two more were scheduled to arrive the following week.

Plot Treatment: Vacation Drug (working title)

outline sketch - speculative fiction

I need a favor and hope you’ll help; please assist me with a plot treatment I’m working on.

Your ideas—no matter how improbable, outrageous, twisted, or wonderful—are needed. Ask your neighbor’s mother, your Sig-oh, or your petrified rock if they are willing to assist.

Plot sketch:

Mr. (not Doctor) Milton Rastling has synthesized in his garage laboratory a protein-enzyme-like substance generated by a few thousand neurons (about the size of a cockroach turd) during delta-sleep.

After a short and non-dramatic series of self-inoculations, Milt determines the recommended dosage per pound of his—as yet, nameless—substance: Eight thousandths of one milligram (about the size of eighty water molecules) has the exact same result on his 205 pound body as one night of normal sleep.

Without their knowledge, over six months, Milton “tests” family members, friends, neighbors, pets and co-workers. He discovers the elderly only require a half dose and children require more than their body weight would indicate. The only side-effect is that Milt’s 67 year old mother thought she was going through a second “life change”, complained of hot-flashes, and claimed she would never eat ice-cream after dinner again in her life; which is confusing to Milton, but unimportant—he hadn’t even put it in her chocolate sundae; he put it in her Tylenol one night after she complained about arthritis.

Milton has not needed to sleep for the last six months. If he takes too much, he feels sluggish, but in less than 20 hours he feels tired again. If he takes too little, he feels sleepy and either naps or takes a full dose. About 14-18 hours after a full dose, Milt can either go to sleep or he can re-dose.

The following is excerpted from Milt’s notes and is provided for you to make a clear and informed decision:

…eating a minimum of four meals every day now, sometimes five. I’m certainly doing more snacking, although not gaining or losing weight. Initially, I suspected weight loss would be a side effect…

…between 25% and 35% more active…

…notice my electric bill has increased along with my food bill…

…reading and research that I’ve always wanted to catch-up on…

…so lucky to have fifty more hours a week that I can spend…

…is concerned about what she calls, “my chronic insomnia”…

...seems the only reason I need a bed is for carnal pleasures and self gratification, but I will keep the cot so she will think I nap on it…

…time in the gym now that I have it, but my sore back prevents me from using the treadmill…

You are a member of a government-funded think tank. With the information provided, please provide all factors (in any format you desire) which you believe positively or negatively will affect the nation, its economy, citizens, and its placement within the world social-political arena. Please feel free to think way outside the box.

As a think-tank member: If you believe this sleep substance would bring an overall positive change, then your recommendation should clearly state this. Accordingly, Mr. Milton Rastling will be awarded a patent, the Nobel Prize, and—within a year or so—should be expected to become almost a trillionaire.

If you believe this would bring an overall negative change, then please clearly state this conclusion. Accordingly, Mr. Milton Rastling, and his family, friends, neighbors, and associates will be terminated. At present, it is suspected the loss of innocent lives can be contained to within a twenty-five mile radius of his residence and employment in Gromley, New Mexico. No more than 950 deaths are projected. Use of the scenario: EPTD, Errant Premature Terrorist Detonation, has been approved.

Thank you for any comments you are able to conjure.

—Veach Glines, December 2004

To the day, with Love,

(short prose-doodle)


As my index fingers rub along my lashes, I stretch-press my lids down against the top of my cheekbones. Wind through branches. My thoughts wander as decades of muscle memory expertly locate accumulated grains of eye sap and pinch-roll them away. I use my fingernails to scrape out the inside and outside corners where the last remnants tend to settle.

Nana called it sleep—wipe that there sleep outta the corner of your eye, Veach. And if I couldn’t, she would; usually with a licked thumb. In her years, the civil time, a loose eyelash was called an eye-winker, a girls clitoris or vagina (or both, I don’t know for sure) was a hooty-hoo, a penis was referred to as a peetie, and eye sap was sleep, unless Nana was telling me the sandman story, then she just called it sand.

Breath-top warmth is becoming strong enough to taste through the opening. Salmon colored slashes of light reflect off the branches above—the pink of the meat, not the silver-blue-gray of that live, ugly fish. The salmon deepens closer to coral now. Live coral. Dead coral, as I recall, is bone-white.

A knuckle-deep piece of crust catches under my fingernail and a large amount of adjacent residue peels away. I can tell it’s anchored deep and begin slow, careful, precision removal. Wet and slug-like, the tail feels like it tickled throat hairs as the whole thing pulled free. I don’t need to examine it, however, because I know it is big enough to throw back. I place it—tail first—on the center of my tongue. Cool smelling breeze, fresh with the scent of drying foliage.

Knees forced up—blanket around ankles and tucked under my weight—my fingers wobble-wiggle. Between thumb and finger, I recall shape-arches and pristine textures under fingertips or lips that were—then—wholly reliant upon my concentration. Many decisions guided me once, now their memories arouse. My hand falls into place with familiar touch-grip. There is no noticeable difference between distant reality and prior fantasies; they meld as they always do. They look identical behind my eyelids.

Not so soft yet pliant ochre skin clothed in the shadow of a yellow porch light fades to the taste of coppery juices flowing like cough syrup.

The pace across the ridge—the tightness and resistance, slick, wonderful, hides a painful unblemished memory of breathing across unshaven.

Commingles with fabricated incidents—based in someone’s yet to acknowledge rightness—the participation wanes and flashes of snippets of colors-all-of-one-hue dominate.

And I sit up. My morning (it is before noon somewhere, probably closer to Asia or Malaysia) routine must begin. Don’t Go.

—Veach Glines, December 2004

Driving Anozira-style

(non-fiction letter-style article/essay)

"What's up? What's new?"

          All too often these words—when directed my way—result in a quick scan of recent memories, which I then compare against long-term ones (to identify as-yet unshared newsworthy events).  Then I reply:  not much, same-o, just enjoying life, or words to that effect.  I think my days, for the past few years at least, have been like the local weather:  pleasantly uneventful and constantly unworthy of remark.  Oh sure, I went to Mexico last spring, the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park last summer, and San Francisco in the fall; but are those things newsworthy enough to call people’s attention to?  Maybe-probably not.

         In order to be newsworthy, I need something waaay-wonderful (a published story in a mass-market magazine, for instance) or something on the other end of the scale (a near-death experience, say).  Well today, unfortunately, I'm not reporting membership within the ranks of the newly published.

          I used to say—when having a conversation about driving—that I'd never been involved in an accident.  Now, I can’t say that.  Before I provide details, however, understand that no one was seriously injured.  Small cuts, some scrapes, a couple sizable bruises, and a concussion (which no amount of over-the-counter shit has been able to take the edge off) is, amazingly, the extent of the damage.

          Sunday afternoon, coming back from a weekend in Utah, driving her '99 Ford Explorer south of Flagstaff toward Phoenix, I'd normally have been going about 83 (because that's what I go, when the limit is 75).  But because there'd been snow on the road fifty miles back and twenty-five hundred feet of elevation above-behind us, and also because the roads were still a little wet from rain, I was driving around 65.

          It began to hail.

          There's no way to write that sentence with sufficient adjectives and adverbial phrases to do it the simple justice it deserves.  These were not the infamous golf-ball sized hailstones (which seem to be the minimum size capable of instilling awe); rather, they were the common, marble-sized, variety.  Come to find out, size is over-rated in terms of hail as well.  Who knew?  It's the volume that gets you.  And it got me.  A cacophonously phantasmagoric volume of noise clapped my eardrums in concurrence with an amazing chicken-little icefall, which—up to that moment in time—was unthinkably beyond my imagination (and that’s an ouch, because I’ve got a waaay fuckin-amped-up imagination).

          You know how—when discussing electrocution—they say it’s the amps that get you? 10, 000 volts of electricity can hit you but if it’s only, say, half an amp; you’d get a good shock, but no serious tissue damage.  Conversely, if your body provided the ground for a 2500-amp/120 volt transformer, you’d more closely resemble a smoldering charcoal briquette than anything mammalian.

          Well, translated into the language of hail:  cantaloupe-size hail could fall, say, one per square meter every ten seconds; causing you to certainly get smashed and dented.  Conversely, if a hugely massive volume (acres of tons, say) of marble-sized hail fell and—in less than thirty seconds—became two inches of ground ice, you would certainly be fucked (if you were...say...going 65 mph on a highway.  Next to a semi).

          The amplitude of hail was so extreme I immediately lost sight of the semi tractor-trailer on my right, which I’d been passing moments earlier and assumed was still less than five feet off my port bow.  (The hail striking the roof and windows of the SUV was amazing-shocking-ranting-noise; much louder than the sound the planet would make when it pummeled the roof and windshield in a half-minute).

          As the hail began, I simultaneously did the following:  lifted my foot from the accelerator; reached up to the turning-signal lever and switched the windshield wipers from their previous setting of intermittent wipe every two seconds (the semi had been spattering me with spray from the road) to the whack-fast speed of four wipes per second; said the words, "Shit, I can't see"; clutched and shifted into neutral; and applied the brakes with a tap of my right foot (the left was still holding the clutch).

          The wipers, now flinging ice off the windshield as fast as mechanically possible, provided almost no effective visibility.  There was only about a 1/4 inch of clear windshield following each wipe of the blades.  As that fraction of an inch flicked across my vision a few times, I saw the semi—a dark blur in the right lane—attempting to prevent his truck from jack-knifing.  I was no longer beside him. Now, he was ahead of me, trying to stay in the right-hand lane.

          The lines on the road were no longer visible, but I could see where the edge of pavement met the median on my left.  Peripherally, out my side window, I was aware of the point where shiny, flat, gray-white roadway became rough, dull, brown rocks as it sloped away, unimpeded by guardrails, toward boulders and trees.

          My brakes began to slow the vehicle a little and then the rear tires were no longer in direct contact with the highway—no longer tracking behind the front tires—instead they were sliding toward the median.  After a few inches of skid, I let off the brake pedal while turning the steering wheel in, slightly—no more than a half-inch—to compensate.  At this point my hands told me: I no longer had any ability to steer.  I said, “O-Oh, this’z not good.”

          The ice was now completely under all my wheels.  No steering.  No brakes.  No traction of any kind.  I thought, “This feels like I’m rolling down a road of real marbles.”  I don’t think I had yet slowed the vehicle much below 50, but I didn’t check the speedometer.

          The car was now on a slight downhill grade and the only thing keeping us on the road was forward momentum.  As I felt the front wheels slide on the hail, I eased down on the brakes again.  The back end corrected and then began to wobble, no longer sliding in toward the median, now sliding toward the right lane and the semi.  All four tires had lost contact with the road.  Off the brakes, again, I said, “Oh shit.”  I don’t know if my paramour heard me over the noise of the hail pounding on the roof, but I knew by her posture out the corner of my eye, that she was aware we were out of control.

          And we continued to slide.  I tried to correct by steering into the skid, up to the point of no return.  The back of the car crossed the centerline.  When it slid beyond the front tires’ turning-range; at that point, I stopped trying to steer or brake and just held on.

          The left front tire dropped off the ice into the median—which, like a pivot-anchor, altered the momentum of the vehicle.  Now, the direction of travel was slightly toward the ditch, with the vehicle skating down the left lane sideways; the passenger-door was now the leading edge.  A second later, the passenger-side front wheel also anchored in the mud.  Two anchors.  I shouted, “This is it.  This is it. We’re going in!  Hold on!”  (Later, I wondered about my last exclamation.  More appropriate for a fighter pilot with a shot-up plane than a SUV driver going into a ditch, but none-the-less, that’s what came out of my mouth).

          The vehicle continued to spin.  The passenger door struck a roadside reflective marker pole.  And, still spinning—front tires now dragging in mud—rear end now the leading edge, the car went down into and thru the shallow ditch in the median.  The rear bumper struck a rock-edged, cliff-like, chunk of earth at 45 mph or more and then the kinetic energy of the SUV—with a high center of gravity—caused the front end of the vehicle to rise.  The SUV flipped over, front over back, and landed on its roof and hood in the ditch.  The front was now pointing in the original direction of travel, the left lane was four feet away from my face.  I could smell the wet pavement.

          I recalled the punch-crunch of metal on rock, the smash of breaking glass, and I opened my eyes.  I was buckled upside down.  The once loud noise of hail on the roof had now been replaced by the softer sound of rocks and sand crunching along the roof, hood, and demolished windshield.  Through some of the unbroken shards of windshield, I saw rocks and earth slowly sliding to a halt in front of me.

          My side window was gone.  Pain in my left shoulder told me I must have slammed against it before it disintegrated into the little pebbles of safety glass I could see on the roof under my head.  I unbuckled and lowered myself to the roof (which was now crushed much closer than a few seconds ago).  I determined Pam was OK and unbuckled her as well.  We both exited through the driver window.  It had stopped hailing.  A bit of blue sky and sunlight peeked around the clouds.  "I fucked up your car," I said. "I'm sorry."

          As we stood between the upturned car and the highway, my friend—wounded—(by me, I felt so guilty-terrible, her injuries were my fault) gasped things like:  it wasn't my fault, we should be thankful, it could have been much worse—and then we turned and saw a half-dozen cars, trucks, and two more semis, all entering the hail-ambush zone.  One semi fishtailed but made it to a halt on the right shoulder without hitting or being hit by anyone.  Two cars barely missed each other.  I shouted: “Get up the embankment.  There’s gonna be more accidents!”  More cars were skidding and sliding behind us as we climbed.  I have no idea how they all missed each other.  One car with a trailer went off the other side into the ditch (their rubber side stayed down).  I was certain we were going to be the first of many hail-victims.  As we reached the top of the embankment and turned to watch, none of the vehicles hit each other or lost complete control.  I looked at the highway.  Only two or three minutes had passed since the hail began—now you see it, now you don’t—a coating of slush.

          The sheriff's deputy told us there were dozens of accidents in the area all morning and afternoon.

          The SUV was totaled.  Neither airbag deployed (which I’ve since been told was an additional blessing, because we avoided the chemical burns caused by the gas that inflates them, who knew).

          My Fight Club automobile-accident-experience is now just electrical pulses across neurons (and, of course, computer software).  Although my consciousness has already nominated this memory to be upgraded from short-term to long-term—the only thing that differs between it and my memories of imaginary incidents and fabricated fantasies, are my shoulder bruise and headache that, currently, still remind me this is a work of non-fiction.

          This accident was not an impetus for life reaffirmations or zealous, misplaced born-again-ziness.  I am especially glad nobody had reason to erect a ridiculous, lattice cross on the southbound median of Arizona Highway 17.  It is, however, one of those things that qualify as:  “If it doesn’t kill ya, it makes ya stronger.”

—Thanksgiving 2004

alphabetical film reviews


- Numbers -

The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005) directed by Judd Apatow (TV producer; big screen directorial debut); starring Steve Carell and Catherine Keener: Snaprating=WFC, CHARACTER theme. Surprisingly, Ben Stiller (the copyright holder of brunt-of-embarrassing-jokes-guy) isn't the lead in this rarely funny three-joke movie, which will soon be found on the same channel as Bad Santa and Road Trip.



- A -

Alien Vs. Predator (2004) directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (Event Horizon, 1997); starring Sanaa Lathan and Raoul Bova: Snaprating=WFD, PROBLEM-theme. Fans of all the Alien and Predator films will discover nothing new or unsuspected as this story successfully pokes fun at itself and it's predecessors.



Assault on Precinct 13 (2005) directed by Jean-François Richet (De l'Amour, 2001); starring Ethan Hawke and Laurence Fishburne: Snaprating=Cheaper, PROBLEM-theme. Fans of the original, directed by John Carpenter, will relish the gritty violence of this remake.



A Very Long Engagement (2004) directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (AmΓ©lie, 2001); starring Audrey Tautou and Gaspard Ullie: Snaprating=Cheaper, PROBLEM-theme [strong CHARACTER secondary theme]. Fans of AmΓ©lie may be slightly disappointed but will still enjoy this anti-war film.



- B -

Batman Begins (2005) directed by Christopher Nolan (Memento, 2000); starring Christian Bale and Katie Holmes: Snaprating=Keeper, Character theme (all other themes are present to a lesser extent). This is hands-down the best superhero-film. This saga incorporates over-the-top action sequences and chases, interesting fight scenes, and witty rejoidners (with less CGI) as if Van Helsing, Die Hard and Indiana Jones were morphed with the first Batman.



Broken Flowers (2005) directed by Jim Jarmusch (Coffee and Cigarettes, 2003); starring Bill Murray and Sharon Stone: Snaprating=Cheaper, CHARACTER theme. Wonderfully directed, in a High Fidelity-meets-About Schmidt-way, this film never underestimates it's audience's intelligence. Cannes got it right this year.



The Brothers Grimm (2005) directed by Terry Gilliam (Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975); starring Matt Damon and Heath Ledger: Snaprating=WFD, MILIEU theme (Problem sub-theme). Because it's difficult to measure Gilliam-as-writer against other directors, fans of his The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and Time Bandits may enjoy his newly addled concoction.



- C -

The Chronicles of Riddick (Directors Cut) (2004) directed by David Twohy (Pitch Black, 2000); starring Vin Diesel and Alexa Davalos: Snaprating=WFD, RE-ORDER-theme (secondary MILIEU theme). Riddick fans, and fans of the Blade trilogy, will overlook the grainy CGI, humorous costumes, and campy script to enjoy a familiar suspense in new settings.



The Chumscrubber (2005) directed by Arie Posin (Over My Dead Body, 2002); starring Jamie Bell and Camilla Belle: Snaprating=WFD, CHARACTER theme (secondary Re-Order theme). Fans of the Keepers Donnie Darko and American Beauty may enjoy this staged, Robert-Altman-esque, saga of self-medicated Californians because of the superb acting and the nod to Un Chien Andalou (1929).



The Constant Gardener (2005) directed by Fernando Meirelles (City of God, 2002); starring Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz: Snaprating=Keeper, PROBLEM theme (secondary Milieu theme). Fans of suspenseful romantic mysteries will love this wonderfully directed, edited, and acted amalgamation of Tears of the Sun, Beyond Borders, and The Bourne Supremacy.



Crash (2004) directed by Paul Haggis (big-screen directorial debut, screenwriter of Million Dollar Baby, 2004); starring Don Cheadle, Michael Pena, Sandra Bullock and many others: Snaprating=Cheaper, RE-ORDER theme. This somber snakes-and-ladders-game, (with every flavor of hate on display) effectively combines: 21 Grams and Thirteen Conversations About the Same Thing, insuring you feel dismayed with your fellow-man, upset, and maybe even angry when the credits roll.



Constantine (2005) directed by Francis Lawrence (directorial debut); starring Keanu Reeves and Rachel Weisz: Snaprating=WFD, RE-ORDER-theme (secondary MILIEU theme). Fans of good vs. evil battles will like this movie more than Van Helsing because the supporting characters are outstanding.



- D -

The Devil's Rejects (2005) directed by Rob Zombie (House of 1000 Corpses, 2003); starring William Forsythe and Sid Haig: Gory-film-Fan Snaprating=Cheaper, All Others Snaprating=WFC, PROBLEM theme. A very gory — yet humorous — sequel, which outshines the slasher-flick which spawned it. Fans of Natural Born Killers will be thrilled by this shock-film because of it's caliber of acting and script.



Downfall (Der Untergang) (2004) directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel (The Experiment, 2001); starring Bruno Ganz and Alexandra Maria Lara: Snaprating=WFD, CHARACTER-theme. Historical film fans will overlook the length and claustrophobic settings of this war movie and applaud Hitler's secretary's perspective of his last few days.



- E -

Employee of the Month (2004) directed by Mitch Rouse (directorial debut); starring Matt Dillon and Steve Zahn: Snaprating=Cheaper, PROBLEM theme. The skillfully written script overshadows all, even the the heavy-handed direction and average editing, in this amalgamation of Bad Santa, Clerks, and "About Last Night...".



Eulogy (2004) directed by Michael Clancy (Emily's Last Date, 1996); starring Zooey Deschanel, Debra Winger, Hank Azaria and Ray Romano: Snaprating=WFD, RE-ORDER Theme (Character sub-theme). A Hilarious mix of Big Chill and Home for the Holidays.



Everything Is Illuminated (2005) directed by Liev Schreiber (Directorial Debut; Actor The Manchurian Candidate, 2004); starring Elijah Wood and Eugene Hutz: Snaprating=Keeper, PROBLEM theme (Milieu secondary theme). With a Schultze Gets the Blues vibe, this story is quiet and simple, yet a very intelligent, touching, and humorous 'search for ancestral footprints and self-discovery'.



- F -

The Forgotten (2004) directed by Joseph Ruben (Sleeping with the Enemy, 1991); starring Julianne Moore and Gary Sinise: Snaprating=WFT, PROBLEM-theme. Fans who really loved the two WFT movies: Signs and The Village, will jump off their seat a couple times as long as they overlook the extremely bad editing.



Four Brothers (2005) directed by John Singleton (Boyz n the Hood, 1991); starring Mark Wahlberg and Terrence Howard: Snaprating=WFT, PROBLEM theme. This is what happens when two mid-1960's westerns (The Sons of Katie Elder and El Dorado) get poorly re-tooled into current-day, icy winter, inner-city Detroit with dumbed-down dialogue, predictable plot, and awful acting.



Flightplan (2005) directed by Robert Schwentke (Tattoo, 2002); starring Jodie Foster and Peter Sarsgaard: Snaprating=WFD, PROBLEM theme. Even though much of the first two acts of this tightly written script were lifted, intact, from Hitchcock's A Lady Vanishes, it's still a well acted, closed-box, mystery/suspense film (better than the WFC: Executive Decision).



Frank Miller's: Sin City (2005) directed by Robert Rodriguez (Once Upon a Time in Mexico, 2003); starring Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Brittany Murphy and many others: Snaprating=Keeper, RE-ORDER-theme (MILIEU secondary theme). Graphic novel afficionados and fans of Pulp Fiction will worship this tight yet over-the-top stagesque rendering and character melange, which moves the 'unique bar' high, so very high.



- G -

Garden State (2004) directed by Zach Braff (directorial debut); starring Zach Braff and Natalie Portman: Snaprating=WFD, RE-ORDER-theme (minor secondary Character-theme). Fans of quirky ironic depictions of everyday-people acting out an interesting script will like this 'Clerks meets Napoleon Dynamite' film.



Grizzly Man (2005) directed and narrated by Werner Herzog (Nosferatu the Vampyre, 1979); starring Timothy Treadwell and many wild animals: Snaprating=Cheaper, MILIEU theme. Wildlife documentary fans who liked The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill will be able to judge for themselves if the mentally challenged Mr. Treadwell (and his girlfriend) welcomed or deserved getting eaten alive.



The Grudge (2004) directed by Takashi Shimizu (Ju-on: The Grudge, 2003); starring Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jason Behr: Snaprating=WFC, PROBLEM-theme. Fans of the original shouldn't sully their memories with this Americanized re-make which won't scare a 5-year-old (too much).



- H -

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005) directed by Garth Jennings (big-screen directorial debut); starring Sam Rockwell and Mos Def: Snaprating=WFD, MILIEU theme (PROBLEM sub-theme). Fans of dry British humor (who enjoy the adherence of the Harry Potter films to their books) may be unhappy with this oblique sketch of Douglas Adams's book because of a dumbed-down script and poor CGI -- even though it's novelty and uniqueness outweighs it's vagary and camp.



House of Flying Daggers (2004) directed by Yimou Zhang (Hero, 2002); starring Zhang Ziyi and Takeshi Kaneshiro: Snaprating=WFD, MILIEU-theme. Fans of the 'Keeper': Hero will discover this film flawed by weak plot and poor editing but may enjoy it none-the-less.



Hustle & Flow (2005) directed by Craig Brewer (The Poor and Hungry, 2000); starring Terrence Howard and Taryn Manning: Snaprating=Keeper, CHARACTER theme. Comparison to 8 mile is easy and simply wrong because this film has the warmth of a great script, wonderful directing (at one point, a woman's song made me tear) and superb acting, which are missing from Slim's hollow autobiography.



- I -

The Incredibles (2004) directed by Brad Bird (The Iron Giant, 1999); starring the voices of Craig T. Nelson and Holly Hunter: Snaprating=Keeper, MILIEU-theme [strong secondary PROBLEM theme]. Fans of Toy Story will enjoy this animated family action adventure.



In Good Company (2004) directed by Paul Weitz (American Pie, 1999); starring Topher Grace and Scarlett Johansson: Snaprating=WFC, RE-ORDER-theme [CHARACTER secondary theme]. 'Buddy movie' and romantic comedy fans may enjoy this one.



The Interpreter (2005) directed by Sydney Pollack (The Firm, 1993); starring Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn: Snaprating=WFD, PROBLEM theme (MILIEU secondary theme). Pollack's signature 'tiny pool of A-list actors' and a bland script hurts this routine political-thriller in which the United Nations building is the most interesting thing to watch. He did it better in the Keeper: Three Days of the Condor.



The Island (2005) directed by Michael Bay (Armageddon, 1998); starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson: Snaprating=WFD, CHARACTER theme (Problem sub-theme). A solid mix of Logan's Run and Bladerunner for SF fans, with more than a heaping portion of Torque for action fans.



- J -

The Jacket (2005) directed by John Maybury (Love Is the Devil: Study for a Portrait of Francis Bacon, 1998); starring Adrien Brody and Keira Knightley: Snaprating=Cheaper, PROBLEM-theme. Fans of Vanilla Sky will enjoy this cryptic-pic and walk away with a theory about what happened when.



JapΓ³n (2002) directed by Carlos Reygadas (directorial debut); starring Alejandro Ferretis and Magdalena Flores: Snaprating=WFT, MILIEU-theme (weak secondary CHARACTER theme). Fans of sad characters plodding through a beautiful landscape pock-marked by pain, may be duped (by the misguided belief: "art is difficult to understand") into thinking that the grainy quality, sloppy direction, and weak story are intentional. Bullshit. The fools at Cannes who awarded it are naive for not recognizing it as such.



Junebug (2005) directed by Phil Morrison (big-screen full-length directorial debut); starring Amy Adams and Embeth Davidtz: Snaprating=Cheaper, RE-ORDER theme. Unlike coming-home films set around mandatory attendance rituals like Garden State and Monsoon Wedding, here, we slip back--quietly--into the blissful ignorance of a small-town and a not-so-close family in the deep-Southeastern US almost by mistake, and almost get stuck there.



Just Like Heaven (2005) directed by Mark Waters (Mean Girls, 2004); starring Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo: Snaprating=WFD, PROBLEM theme. Equal parts of Ghost, City of Angels, You've Got Mail, and any another 80's or 90's Meg Ryan film of your choosing; this cute, enjoyable, and smoothly edited flick is not just for chicks.



- K -

Kinsey (2004) directed by Bill Condon (Gods and Monsters, 1998); starring Liam Neeson and Laura Linney: Snaprating=WFC, CHARACTER-theme. PP-BOATS (Period Piece, Based On A True Story) movie fans will be disappointed by this bland and lackluster bio-pic.



Kung Fu Hustle (Gong Fu) (2004) directed by Stephen Chow (Shaolin Soccer, 2001); starring Stephen Chow and Qiu Yuen: Snaprating=Keeper, PROBLEM theme. Far more over-the-top than a Warner Brothers cartoon, kung-foolishness fans (who enjoy Jackie Chan movies) will get their fill of giggles while being thrilled by constant CGI-slap-stick, stomp-stick, and crush-stick.



- L -

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004) directed by Brad Silberling (Moonlight Mile, 2002); starring Jim Carrey and Meryl Streep: Snaprating=WFD, PROBLEM-theme (MILIEU secondary theme). Jim Carrey fans will enjoy his familiar antics and overlook the weak script in this cute yet unfunny attempt to do what The Princess Bride (a Keeper) accomplished in pre-CGI days.



The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004) directed by Wes Anderson (The Royal Tenenbaums, 2001); starring Bill Murray and Owen Wilson: Snaprating=Cheaper, RE-ORDER-theme. Wes Anderson film fans (especially The Royal Tennenbaums) will consider this one of his best and add it to their list of 'Keepers'.



Look at Me (Comme une image) (2004) directed by Agnès Jaoui (The Taste of Others, 2000); starring Marilou Berry and Jean-Pierre Bacri: Snaprating=WFD, CHARACTER theme. Fans of Real Women Have Curves may enjoy this story of a misunderstood daughter and her shallow family surrounded by French stereotypes.



Lord of War (2005) directed by Andrew Niccol (Gattaca, 1997); starring Nicolas Cage and Bridget Moynahan: Snaprating=WFD, CHARACTER theme. This well-acted but ploddingly predictable Catch Me if You Can (with guns instead of checks) is heavy on message and, with the exception of a few special effects, light on interesting.



- M -

The Machinist (2004) directed by Brad Anderson (Session 9, 2001); starring Christian Bale and Jennifer Jason Leigh: Snaprating=WFD, PROBLEM-theme. Fans of Memento will enjoy this dark whodunnit.



Matando Cabos (2004) directed by Alejandro Lozano (Guzman Huerta, 2002); starring Tony Dalton and JoaquΓ­n Cosio: Snaprating=Cheaper, PROBLEM theme. Fans of low-budget films (like El Mariachi) will love this tribute to Snatch and Pulp Fiction (with nods to many others, like Clockwork Orange and Taxi Driver).



La Marche de l'empereur (March of the Penguins) (2005) Luc Jacquet's directorial debut; starring thousands of emperor penguins: Snaprating=WFD, MILIEU theme. Old fans of the 'Wonderful World of Disney' and younger fans of the documentary Winged Migration will enjoy this tale of Antarctic-nature's hardships and triumphs.



Me and You and Everyone We Know (2005) directed by Miranda July (Jesus' Son, 1999); starring John Hawkes and Miranda July: Snaprating=Cheaper, RE-ORDER theme. This jigsaw-puzzle of vignettes paints an odd-joyful portrait of two characters and everyone they know. Fans of Todd Solondz's Happiness and Wes Anderson's Royal Tennenbaums will like this film.



Millions (2004) directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 1996); starring Alexander Nathan Etel and James Nesbitt: Snaprating=Keeper, PROBLEM-theme (CHARACTER secondary theme). Etel's adorable quirky-sweetness causes this 'Sleepless In Seattle meets Pay It Forward' to shine above the mass of other British 'found loot' films.



Mindhunters (2003-2005) directed by Renny Harlin (Deep Blue Sea, 1999); starring LL Cool J and Val Kilmer: Snaprating=WFC, PROBLEM theme. Fans who liked My Little Eye, Identity or The Cube will find (this time around) our clueless victims are unbelievable FBI Agents in this over-cooked and over-edited example of a closed-box slasher-movie--but many may still enjoy the exercise of identifying the killer before he's the last one alive.



The Motorcycle Diaries (2004) directed by Walter Salles (Central Station, 1998); starring Gael Garcia Bernal and Rodrigo de la Serna: Snaprating=WFD, CHARACTER-theme. Fans of 'coming-of-age' and 'based-on-a-true-story' films should enjoy this bio-pic.



Mr and Mrs Smith (2005) directed by Doug Liman (The Bourne Identity, 2002); starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Snaprating=Cheaper, PROBLEM theme. Although the Smith's fight can be compared to the fight in War of the Roses, the steady humor and over-the-top shoot-n-blow-em-up's, make this more 'Grosse Point Blank meets LΓ©on, The Professional' with a nod to Butch and Sundance.



Mysterious Skin (2004) directed by Gregg Araki (Splendor, 1999); starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Brady Corbet: Snaprating=Cheaper, CHARACTER theme. Depicting the ugly and troubling results of pedophilia (from two victim's points of view), this wonderfully directed film succeeds where The Woodsman and Palindromes did not.



- N -

Napoleon Dynamite (2004) directed by Jared Hess (Peluca, 2003); starring Jon Heder and Efren Ramirez: Snaprating=WFD, CHARACTER-theme. Fans of Bad Santa will be less ashamed of laughing but may not understand why this deadpan movie makes them giggle so much.



- O -

Off the Map (2003) directed by Campbell Scott (Big Night, 1996); starring Valentina de Angelis and Joan Allen: Snaprating=Keeper, RE-ORDER theme (CHARACTER secondary theme). The WFT film Secondhand Lions aspires to become as tightly directed and wonderfully scripted as this insightful glimpse of a precocious 12 year old girl, her family, and friends.



Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior (2003) directed by Prachya Pinkaew (US directorial debuit); starring Tony Jaa and Petchtai Wongkamlao: Snaprating=Cheaper, PROBLEM-theme (MILIEU secondary theme). Martial arts fans looking for a new face performing non-CGI, non-wired, ass kicking's--in the tradition of Fists of Fury--will be legitimately enthralled by the loosely choreographed roughness and may forgive poor lighting and sophomoric editing.



Overnight (2003) directed by Tony Montana (directorial debut); starring Troy Duffy and everyone he alienates: Snaprating=WFC, MILIEU theme. This documentary of a talented egomaniac is an early Project Greenlightesque foray into 'how to make enemies and lose influence with strangers'.



- P,Q -

Palindromes (2004) directed by Todd Solondz (Happiness, 1998); starring Ellen Barkin and Richard Masur: Snaprating=Cheaper, CHARACTER theme. Solondz fans, and fans of other directors who cause you to pause and think, will overlook the grainy quality of this disturbingly-unique examination of abortion, statutory rape, and pedophilia, which is almost (but not really) a sequel to Welcome To The Dollhouse.



Polar Express IMAX 3-D (2004) directed by Robert Zemeckis (Forrest Gump, 1994); starring the voice of Tom Hanks: Snaprating=Keeper [non-IMAX3D version=WFD], MILIEU-theme [CHARACTER secondary theme]. Fans of Final Fantasy and virtual rollercoasters will love this every x-mas.



- R -

Ray (2004) directed by Taylor Hackford (An Officer and a Gentleman, 1982); starring Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington: Snaprating=WFD, CHARACTER-theme. Not to down-play Foxx's superb ability, but bio-pic fans will discover this to be just another attempt to make up for plot-shortage by allowing a character's weaknesses and mistakes to dominate and overshadow the life story.



Red Eye (2005) directed by Wes Craven (Scream, 1996); starring Rachel McAdams and Cillian Murphy: Snaprating=WFC, PROBLEM theme. This suspense-retread is too predictable because it borrows every key element from other films except one (fortunately it's the big one), the acting is average, and the script is weak.



Robots (2005) directed by Chris Wedge (Ice Age, 2002); voices of Ewan McGregor and Robin Williams: Adult Snaprating=WFC, Gradeschool Snaprating=Cheaper, MILIEU-theme. Very young animation fans will laugh at the fart and butt jokes and enjoy the many first-person roller coaster scenes (done better in Polar Express) but may not catch every rapid-fire gag jammed into this worn-out, retreaded, hick-makes-good-in-the-city script.



- S -

Saw (2004) directed by James Wan (Stygian, 2000); starring Leigh Whannell and Danny Glover: Snaprating=Cheaper, PROBLEM-theme. Fans of The Cube will notice strong situation and dialogue similarities, but even with flawed acting and directing the plot will keep you in suspense.



Schultze Gets the Blues (2003) directed by Michael Schorr (directorial debut); starring Horst Krause and Karl Fred MΓΌller: Snaprating=WFD, CHARACTER-theme. Fans of slice-of-life films depicting odd characters turning over a new leaf, like The Station Agent, may enjoy this 'still-waters-run-deep' film.



September Tapes (2004) directed by Christian Johnston (directorial debut); starring George Calil and Wali Razaqi: Snaprating=WFT, MILIEU-theme (weak PROBLEM secondary theme). 'The Blair Witch Project meets The Killing Fields' in Afghanistan with poor directing, no plot, bad special effects and terrible actors.



Serenity (2005) directed by Joss Whedon (Big Screen Directorial Debut; TV Director); starring Gina Torres, Nathan Fillion, and Adam Baldwin: Firefly Series-Fan Snaprating=Keeper, All others=Cheaper, PROBLEM theme (Milieu sub-theme). Although this Harry Potter of samurai space-westerns is not amazingly cutting edge it is a well-edited, tightly scripted, action-thriller, filled with plenty of chuckles and gasps.



Sideways (2004) directed by Alexander Payne (About Schmidt, 2002); starring Paul Giamatti and Thomas Haden Church: Snaprating=Cheaper, CHARACTER-theme. Fans of films that bump the funnybone while squeezing heartstrings are shure to enjoy this one.



Spanglish (2004) directed by James L. Brooks (As Good As It Gets, 1997); starring Adam Sandler and TΓ©a Leoni: Snaprating=WFC, CHARACTER-theme. Fans of Punch-Drunk Love should find this appealing.



Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005) directed by George Lucas (Star Wars, 1977); starring Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman: Star-Wars-fan Snaprating=Cheaper, all-others Snaprating=WFC, PROBLEM theme. The script was cribbed from a videogame sound-byte tech (no sentences over six words) and most scenes are CGI hand-me-downs from one of it's older, wiser, siblings or are attempts at humorous nods to films like The Fifth Element and Frankenstein.



- T -

Tarnation (2003) directed by Jonathan Caouette (directorial debut); starring Jonathan Caouette and Renee Leblanc: Snaprating=Cheaper, CHARACTER-theme. Fans of What the #$*! Do We Know!? will adore the exceptional editing and soundtrack of this stunning, unique, autobiographical-documentary, which--like an angst-driven, 90-minute expressionist video--plays the emotionally-charged card quite well.



- U -

Up and Down (Horem PΓ‘dem) (2004) directed by Jan Hrebejk (Divided We Fall, 2000); starring Petr Forman and EmΓ­lia VΓ‘sΓ‘ryovΓ‘: Snaprating=WFC, RE-ORDER theme. A second-string depiction of hatred and bigotry, like an uncohesive Crash set in Europe.



The Upside of Anger (2005) directed by Mike Binder (Blankman, 1994); starring Joan Allen and Kevin Costner: Snaprating=WFC, RE-ORDER theme. Fans of the subdued, intense, character, which is consistantly portrayed by Allen (The Contender) will be pleased to watch her banter with Kostner's familiar ex-baseball character in this plodding melange rife with directorial filmic errors.



- V -

Vera Drake (2004) directed by Mike Leigh (Secrets & Lies, 1996); starring Imelda Staunton and Richard Graham: Snaprating=WFC, CHARACTER-theme. If fans of PP-BOATS (Period Piece's, Based On A True Story) can overlook Leigh's signature 'garbled dialogue' further confabulated with incessant bleary-eyed whining, they may be intrigued by this moral-legal debate with lack-of-criminal-intent as it's focal point.



- W -

War of the Worlds (2005) directed by Steven Spielberg (Minority Report, 2002); starring Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning: Snaprating=WFD, PROBLEM theme. Fans of Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow may enjoy this dark, awfully edited, CGI-dominant, retread.



The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill (2003) directed by Judy Irving (Kids by the Bay, 1999); starring Mark Bittner and a flock of parrots: Snaprating=Cheaper, CHARACTER theme. Documentary fans should be captivated by this endearing 'Crumb meets Animal Planet' nature film.



The Woodsman (2004) directed by Nicole Kassell (directorial debut); starring Keven Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick: Snaprating=WFC, CHARACTER-theme. Poorly directed, with a simplistic story-line sparse on between-the-lines message, this snapshot would have gone direct to dvd without big name actors (and should have gone direct to cable).



- X,Y,Z -

The Yes Men (2003) directed by Dan Ollman (directorial debut); starring Andy Bichlbaum and Mike Bonanno: Snaprating=WFC, RE-ORDER-theme. Documentary fans may not enjoy this unless watching extremely detailed, embarrassing pranks is entertaining.

UNBLOGGED

I distilled 24-months of my s n a p p e r h e a d writings and art—with a dash of comics and a splash of personal perspectives (2004–May 2009) into a book: UNBLOGGED the flesh and starch of snapperhead.

I did this because my mother is 70-years-youngish-oldish, and—like many of the generation that begat the baby boomers (the WWII generation?)—she's built her own Maginal Line against technology (which she doesn't cross, and regards those who do with a measurable quantity of disdain). Accordingly, cell phones, computers, the Internet, high-def TV, DVRs, and things of that ‘ilk’ will never be invited within the glow of her campfire.

In order to permit her to read and view snapperhead, I created a soft-bound book, 205 pages long, made of high-quality 8½" x 11" paper, with full-color artwork/photos. I did not include housekeeping posts, dated posts, comments, meme’s, or 98% of the hypertext effluvium.

The front cover:


The back cover:


The index pages:
  • 5 Driving Anozira Style [ Creative non-fiction essay]
  • 8 Shrimp-cheese [Comic strip]
  • 9 Armbytrarie and Snapperhead History [Art & non-fiction article]
  • 10 Field Notes [Creative non-fiction essay]
  • 14 Locality of Fear [Art]
  • 15 Decision Waffling [Writing Challenge]
  • 17 Entranced Exit [Art]
  • 18 Rhymen Standard Pennant & Love Note [Art & Message]
  • 19 TYPE 4 Remnant [Speculative Fiction ‘grabber’ page]
  • 19 Six and Seventy [Art]
  • 20 Seven and Seventy [Art]
  • 20 Lotto Luck [First pages of a fiction story]
  • 22 All Fun and Games [Non-fiction story]
  • 32 Sarah in the Pity [Art]
  • 33 Jorge with a Cat [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 1&2)]
  • 39 Vestige of Course [Art]
  • 40 The Tobbo Shop (Agent Veach) [Science Fiction (Chapter 1)]
  • 43 The Tobbo Shop (Agent Veach) [Science Fiction (Chapter 2)]
  • 48 Anger, Angst and a Jalopy & 10 Things [Art & List]
  • 49 Urgrund and Self Portrait [Art (2)]
  • 50 Patrol Cap Years [Creative non-fiction (Chapter 1)]
  • 54 Monoscholastic Sex [Art]
  • 55 Vacation Drug [Plot Treatment & Sketch]
  • 56 Illicit Has Three Eyes [Art]
  • 57 Film Code (thru my eyes first) [Opinion Article]
  • 66 Sidore Kuroneko [Art]
  • 67 Allow Me to Introduce Myself [List]
  • 73 One Station Eighteen [Art]
  • 73 Some Films are Bad, mmmkay? [Opinion Article]
  • 76 Asta Right [Art]
  • 76 The Invisible Underpinnings [Creative non-fiction story]
  • 78 BFM (zip overseer mix) [Art]
  • 79 Can You Canoe? [Opinion Article]
  • 82 Keep Fingers Clear [Art]
  • 82 Dawn Begins at Zero Dark-Thirty [Speculative fiction & non-fiction essay]
  • 85 Sample Fourteen [Art]
  • 86 Book Meme [Q&A]
  • 87 The Architect of Sleep & Berserk Helix [Book Opinion & Art]
  • 88 Q on Next Generation can do it right? [Non-fiction Conversation]
  • 90 Natunatch 19 [Art]
  • 90 Interview [Q&A]
  • 91 Cicatrize It [Art]
  • 92 PAPA’s Auto Opinion [Fiction Article]
  • 94 Quill Cog Native [Art]
  • 95 Knotted Picayune [Art]
  • 96 The Seven Shades of Love [Opinion Essay]
  • 101 Vaca-Enn-We [Art]
  • 102 Xjer-Catch & Tomah Relatives [Art & Poem]
  • 103 Prudence Afore, Ian, snap & Paramour [Art (2) & Poem (2)]
  • 104 TITLE UNKNOWN [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 1)]
  • 106 Misplaced Scorn, Who has it? [Opinion Essay]
  • 108 Surreptitious & Paramours Birthday [Art & Prose]
  • 109 Didn’t say it was right, just that it was [Art]
  • 109 Perfect breast & Breach Cesarean [100-word challenge (2)]
  • 110 Dor-man-t-of-fer-ing [Art]
  • 110 TITLE UNKNOWN [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 2)]
  • 113 Neosporin [Art]
  • 113 PP-BOATS are different than B.P. BOATS [Opinion Article]
  • 116 Public Service Homicide [Art]
  • 117 TITLE UNKNOWN [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 3)]
  • 120 Dreamline & Exactly What You Need [Art (2)]
  • 121 100-word challenges [Opinion & Other ‘snippits’ (6)]
  • 123 TITLE UNKNOWN [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 4)]
  • 126 Chasing Svelte [Opinion Article]
  • 129 Lightbox - Nightlight [Photograph]
  • 130 Flippers and Floppers [Opinion Article]
  • 131 TITLE UNKNOWN [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 5)]
  • 134 Vet, Single . . . cash [Opinion Article]
  • 136 All Saints & Year One of my Sabbatical [Art & Creative non-fiction story]
  • 138 Fortunate Fortnight [Art]
  • 138 TITLE UNKNOWN [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 6)]
  • 142 Scathing Elves [Personal Observation]
  • 143 Sketch of Portland & Reason #12 [Art & Opinion Article]
  • 144 Electoral College Opinion [Opinion Article]
  • 145 Reason #11 & Greypopcorn [Opinion Article & Art]
  • 146 TITLE UNKNOWN [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 7)]
  • 149 The Story Behind the Sign [Creative non-fiction story]
  • 150 Sharp Edges & Reason #10 [Art & Opinion Article]
  • 150 Portrait of Monti Lee [Explanation Article/Photo]
  • 151 Portrait of Monti Lee [Art]
  • 152 TITLE UNKNOWN [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 8)]
  • 155 Reason #9 & Why do you live there? [Opinion Article (2)]
  • 156 Breakfast [Art]
  • 157 Reason #8 [Opinion Article]
  • 157 TITLE UNKNOWN [Speculative Fiction (Chapter 9)]
  • 160 Reason #7 [Opinion Article]
  • 161 Jobs [List]
  • 162 Harvest Festival & Reason #6 [Opinion Article (2)]
  • 163 Phredd’s Pengwynne & Altrusitic Evil [Art & Opinion Essay]
  • 165 21 December 2012 [Creative non-fiction Article]
  • 166 Reason #5 [Opinion Article]
  • 167 NIGHTMARE [Non-fiction story]
  • 168 Wholw & Review of Public Enemies [Art & Opinion Essay]
  • 170 ...dogs begin to smell her... [Creative non-fiction story]
  • 171 Reason #4 [Opinion Article]
  • 172 Finally Caught Me [Creative non-fiction story]
  • 175 Reason #3 [Opinion Article]
  • 175 Gus 1998-2008 [Creative non-fiction story]
  • 179 Finate [Art]
  • 180 Giggle Bone & Continuing Nonsense [Non-fiction story (2)]
  • 181 Ingrate Portrait & Reason #2 [Art & Opinion Article]
  • 182 Hapse Knot [Art]
  • 183 Conversation with a Ditz [Comic Strip]
  • 183 War Story (that’s not a real war story) [Creative non-fiction story]
  • 188 Ingrate Legal [Art]
  • 189 Le-Ge-Ec & Reason #1 [Art & Opinion Article]
  • 190 Stegasaur to Sauropod [Comic Strip]
  • 191 Sometimes it is all ahead of you [Q&A Opinion Essay]
  • 192 Spoof Radially [Art]
  • 193 Conversation Santa and Bunny [Comic Strip]
  • 194 Pareidolia-Apophenia [Art]
  • 195 Zeal 4 Real [Comic Strip]
  • 196 Two not-much-discussed Failures [Creative non-fiction story]
  • 199 ESP Explained [Comic Strip]
  • 200 Boswell–Seasons & Puffy Writing [Art & Opinion Essay]
  • 201 Black and White Stuffed Convention [Comic Strip]
  • 201 Fear = Survival Mechanism [Opinion Essay]
  • 203 Fourth Dehydrated Hyena [Art]

Interested in purchasing a copy of UNBLOGGED? Email me at veachglines@gmail.com and I'll provide you with my address or a paypal account. Once I receive US$20.00 + shipping (at the rate of your choosing) I'll send one to you.

Interested in having your blog turned into a book? I can, and will, do it for you. Obviously, the cost will depend on which (and how many) of your posts/photos/art you want used, as well as how many pages are created.

Email me. I’ll examine your archives and discuss the project with you prior to providing you with a cost (I estimate about US$1.00 for each sheet-and-a-half of paper—so my 205 page book would have cost about $75 to create—add about $12 for the 11" x 17 3/4" cover and binding, add shipping costs). I suspect most blogs could become a 200-page book for less than $100.00. All you'd have to do is pick the posts!