When caring and cognizant parents recognize a dysfunction
in their child, they seek advice from a health care professional. No matter how immature it is, that child’s
mind already began to form a coping mechanism, projecting: ‘this is how you-I-we
function, you are normal, I am right, we aren’t impaired, they are all wrong’.
Children become adults.
The coping mechanisms (of those without caring and cognizant parents) have denied
their dysfunction for so long that—in most cases—the dysfunctional adult is no
longer able to recognize when they are “unable to get out of their own way.” And, when others point out their disordered
thoughts or actions, their coping mechanism takes over: better to change jobs, break-up with partners,
cut off family members, and then blame them for the change/break-up/cut off.
Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths are rarely
clinically diagnosed; most never have significant enough life-impairment to admit
they need assistance from a mental health professional. People with
un-diagnosed NPD appear to act like people with no mental disorders, unless one observes their behavior from a close perspective. (Because lying and manipulation
as well as having no empathy and no remorse are behaviors only noticeable by people who are close to them. In simple terms: Friends and family are the only ones who care when friends and family are callous and/or uncaring.)
Almost every female in my family is/was a narcissist (it only
seemed to skip-over Great Aunt Betty). Research
has identified that female narcissists tend to raise female narcissists. Point out their lies, manipulations, lack of
empathy, or refusal to apologize and they all—bar none—cut off communication
for years or…for decades.
Or… for what is left of our respective time alive—(as I reaffirmed when I wrote
to my sister to see if she was still a narcissist).
She referred to suing our step-father’s estate in the 90’s this way: “…I broke with the hypocritical narcissist and her progeny and have nothing to apologize for in my behavior.” Although an ironically contorted way to refer to our mother, half-sister and myself, she eventually re-re-re-terminated all our future communications using all the aplomb of a highly-practiced coping mechanism: “I do respect that you reached out, and these emails show how we both tried … I found this worthwhile, too, but I am not interested in taking this any further.”
She referred to suing our step-father’s estate in the 90’s this way: “…I broke with the hypocritical narcissist and her progeny and have nothing to apologize for in my behavior.” Although an ironically contorted way to refer to our mother, half-sister and myself, she eventually re-re-re-terminated all our future communications using all the aplomb of a highly-practiced coping mechanism: “I do respect that you reached out, and these emails show how we both tried … I found this worthwhile, too, but I am not interested in taking this any further.”
After my friend died in 2018, my half-sister showed
all four traits in quick sequence. I wrote
her a detailed letter (mailed in an envelope) and explained how her detrimental narcissistic actions
on the phone, in texts, and in emails were affecting me. I said I’d remain
open to future communications regarding her un-diagnosed NPD in the form of envelope-letters, because they require (and show) time and effort. She replied in an email: “…I
will send via email, since I truly send so few things via post” and—after nothing but (unopened) links and curt texts for about ten months—sent this text: “thinking
you’ve made it to Vermont … a new address to send letters?”
Narcissists. Do. Not. Give. One. Shit. About. Anyone. But.
Themselves. They also do not keep track of the lies or excuses they use to manipulate (but will quickly claim you're attempting to manipulate them if you quote them). Their coping mechanism will not permit them to be open and honest with themselves, most of the time, so forget about open-honest words coming out of their mouth. They also choose not to see their own behavior thru the eyes of other people—and choose not to picture
themselves in other people’s shoes. My half-sister was unaware of the irony in sending: ‘I will send via email’ in an email; unable to imagine her words ‘to send letters’ would remind me of her excuse: ‘I truly send so few things via post’; and—when forwarding memes (like this)—she is oblivious it shows her coping mechanism at work: using Hallmark-words is efficient, sufficient, and hides that you/I/we are deficient (when we use our own words).
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8 comments:
LETTER COPY (had to cut some words due to length of allowed submission)
… by the way - love and sorry was in there, and still exists
~ and so was the time/effort with fulfillment of your requirements to seemingly gain any responses.
Will work forward again with some more written copy and see when you are ready.
Love you again
Grey hairs / absolutely.
I have kept your letter on my desk in an effort to sort through thoughts and feelings, and keep them aimed toward loving, constructive responses.
Albeit, overall, there are simply too many variations of what could be written. And since your version was quite abbreviated, the decision on my part was not to be pedantic (despite the fact that it would be my typical style).
At this point, the letter is now becoming more of a drain – causing me to analyze, over-analyze, and spend way too much time spent in vacillating thoughts and feelings. And most importantly hurt and pain, lost sleep, and head trash recalled in other arenas of life.
I am more than certain that without back/forth communication, something said will still be misunderstood or construed in some way I was unable to consider or edit out, simply because my experiences are not yours, or my thoughts might track in differing ways.
Primary concern
Your choice to cease communication is simply counter-productive - period. It is a manipulative tactic that is hurtful and directly things toward a win/lose OR controlling type scenario, and does not get to a growing or sharing place. Empathize / absolutely.
I love you. And even more importantly, you are my brother that I have grown through life with.
Sharing experiences / thoughts / feelings has always been my desire and goal. I truly make this a priority, especially with you.
It hurts me more than you may perceive, that seemingly throughout my lifetime with you – time frames are open and closed based on you or your timing / perceptions (and even other people) rather than us.
This statement is not forgetting any roles or examples you can cite that most certainly can include my flaws or interactions as well, it is rather responding to the stopping of communication tactic.
It causes missed moments that cannot be replaced.
Sharing is an umbrella term which is worthy of the focus here, and involves lots of outside factors and balances / imbalances, but most importantly effort.
I could listen / talk / rant / rave (pick an adjective) when you ask questions like do you? (a very directly aimed question) OR choose very specifically to not even express love in the letter.
Call when you want ~ would love to hash it out, and feel with you / love you.
And with that in mind, your directions seem to imply that I should only answer when there is time to do so … but please also understand that I am just your younger sister, and I jump at the opportunity to talk with you whenever the instance presents itself because I may not have that opportunity to do so again. That is my love for you – wherever you are in life at the time.
Finally, your conditions also state stamps / envelopes / etc.
Your letter was typed – this is as well
Love – your sis
For confused readers: my half-sister decided to attach her email from a year ago, (something I'd not have shared publicly); non-constructive or rude commenters will be blocked and their comments will be rejected.
Your sis writes that ...the decision on my part was not to be pedantic (despite the fact that it would be my typical style)...
never heard anyone and def not narcissists self ident as pedantic. Whats missing here? Really her typical style or just disparaging term from the past she is using to appear selfdeprecating?
Hope you consider these constructive observations.
- Mich
Mich,
She doesn't use self-deprecation around me, isn't known as being pedantic (I've never accused her of it), and I don't otherwise recognize a 'typical style' in her writing (besides stream-of-consciousness, outline/bullet-point format).
I assume she used the wrong word. Narcissists rarely admit when they make a mistake, instead they have one move when someone points out an unforced error: they double-down.
Maybe she will read this and explain.
think your wrong because her comment included sorry and thats remorse
"...sorry was in there..." is a manipulative falsehood - not remorse.
In this title, who's the Nail and who're the Hammers? I don't
follow the analogy well. Also, what is this title's derivation
or provenance?
'If you don’t fight for what you want, then don’t cry for what you lost' is a quote from the Bhagvat-Gita. And, Sigmund Freud said, 'Neurotics complain of their illness, but they make the most of it, and when it comes to taking it away from them they will defend it like a lioness her young.'
My title is directed at narcissists who willfully act (with malice a fore-thought) and, later, complain when the way they behave is pointed out (rather than ever apologize or use empathy). But, I think you already knew that.
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