Allow Me to Introduce Myself

In emulation of divinities I offer the following:

  • I love mustard.
  • Second grade at Peabody Center School, Mrs Creane (whom we called Mrs Crayon) whacked both my hands with a ruler after I quietly slid my best friend's chair back when he stood to read, 'see Spot run'. Then he just sat. And Ronnie sat on the floor so hard his glasses bounced off his face.
  • I've moved 39 times so far. Once I left college for good, I'd moved 15 times--Maine to Massachusetts to Indiana, through Ohio back to Indiana for a while and then to Wisconsin.
  • Six years (to the day) after our first date, I married my high school sweetheart. Although we attended college in different states, we kept in touch. I was finishing my last year of college and agreed getting married would be relatively painless and invisible. A very naive 22 year old I was.
  • Orange has been my favorite color since the summer of 1973. A club member entered the pro shop where I worked wearing a pumpkin colored leisure suit with white stitches. I almost blew Fanta out of my nose when I saw him. A few members teased him about the visual assault and he tossed their ridicule aside with an offhand, 'It's my favorite color'. I admired his blind devotion.
  • Six weeks after walking down the aisle in my high school sweetheart's family church she informed me she was with child. 'Accidentally pregnant,' was how she actually referred to it.
  • I was in the Army for 20 years.
  • My first car was a metallic-flake, shit-brown, 68 VW beetle with a clutchless stick. I purchased it my Freshman year at Purdue, from my Nana after Papa died. I drove it over 60K miles in five years--and it never needed any serious work. The transmission went out two months after I sold it.
  • Sixteen weeks after donning my first wedding ring my wardrobe became camo, as I was now attending Infantry Basic at Fort Benning, GA, as a Private First Class college dropout.
  • Since retiring from the Army, I try to wear something orange every day (even if it's just a t-shirt or a stripe in my sock pattern). I don't own an orange suit, leisure or otherwise.
  • The best 24 hours of my life was in the summer of 1998. A day alone in the Adirondack Mountains: I worked on a painting, ran a couple miles, ate a fire-grilled steak, bathed in a spring, slept outdoors, meditated, read, and relaxed; it was a fantastically refreshing experience.
  • My sister sued my mother and our half-sister over the estate of my adoptive stepfather. For three years lawyers and courts took the estate's money and then my sister won. I have not exchanged a word with her since she started the legal action. It will be nine years this summer.
  • After four calendar years, I simultaneously divorced my high school sweetheart and switched from being an Infantry soldier to being a MP Sergeant.
  • I only actually lived with my first wife for eighteen months. We both changed, but I changed drastically (South Korea will do that to an immature man).
  • I religiously went to the old Oriental Theater in Milwaukee for years when it was still one huge theater. Sometimes I caught ten films in a week. I almost always went alone. I still am very comfortable going to films alone.
  • At fifteen, I started to shave. Only about once a week, mostly my upper lip.
  • I never knew my natural father. His name was Leverett. My mother called him 'Lev'. He was a submarine crewmember during their brief marriage. He died in an automobile accident in New Hampshire.
  • At thirty, I noticed my hairline was receding because there was a lone hair stranded in what was now--obviously--the top edge of my forehead.
  • I have no wife, some acquaintances, a few friends, and a wonderful paramour whom I love and am loved by.
  • At forty-five, I noticed my eyesight worsening. When beginning to read I first adjust the book to where my eyes will focus on the page. I wonder what interesting age marker sixty will bring?
  • Between the ages of 13 and 23, I worked as an elementary school janitor, pro-shop employee, veterinarian’s assistant, retail store clerk, state park laborer, marina attendant, night-shift factory worker, restaurant manager and metal shop bench-press operator (most were summer jobs; the last was the only to lay me off).
  • My mother is an extremely energetic woman who doesn't sit or stop doing something with her hands from the time she gets up--before the sun--until the time her head hits the pillow. I can only hope I have her drive in twenty years.
  • I never want to be a father or stepfather again. I don't get any pleasure relating to any child. Never have. I have no patience for child or juvenile misbehavior.
  • I have 159 semester hours of college; two years at Purdue, one semester at Ball State, and two years at UW-Milwaukee. I never finished my Bachelors of Fine Arts.
  • My mother raised me using a particularly distorted rulebook: never allowed to ride a motorcycle or mini-bike, ever--but permitted to own a go-cart (with a 7hp motor that I borrowed from a tiller, I could achieve 25mph around my neighborhood streets--and did); never allowed to shoot a gun of any kind, ever--but permitted to own a bow and arrows (with steel-tipped arrows I could have caused much more injury than an air gun--although I didn't).
  • I'm an Eagle Scout. I was a boy scout from the age of 11 to 16. My Community Project, which everyone had to accomplish to be awarded the top rank, was to organize and run a door-to-door campaign to purchase new Christmas ornaments for my hometown (my efforts earned over $1,500 in 1974 dollars).
  • I lost my virginity to my high-school sweetheart when I was 17. She got accidentally pregnant for the first time when we were both at college. I paid for the abortion. That was the first of three abortions I've funded.
  • I witnessed my first son's birth. He was grape-purple when he came out. I named him after the author who wrote Dracula.
  • If I miss the coming attractions in the theater, I feel I've lost something important.
  • My second son was born while I was assisting to protect the southern border of the Korean DMZ. I named him after the author of the James Bond stories. I have almost no memories of him.
  • Peppers of any kind: bell, chili, or jalapeno, burn me forever. And I can't just pick them off...the taste is certain to still be there. There is no such thing as 'mild' on my tongue.
  • My high school sweetheart married a man who adopted my sons and formally requested I never interact with them in order for them to not get confused and torn between two fathers. I foolishly consented. It was how I was raised, I rationalized. Consequently, I've not seen my sons since they were four and two.
  • Gus is a red-tip Siamese for whom I serve. He will turn seven years old this year; a middle aged cat living with a middle aged man. We are both very vocal and opinionated.
  • Vanilla is the only flavor I'll eat. Yes, you can mix in some things like cookie dough or jimmies or whatnot. But the only chocolate I'll eat is cake (and it needs to have a whole bunch of frosting on it because cake is just a necessary medium to permit frosting consumption).
  • I don't like a passive woman. Someone who is assertive and willing to make her desires clearly known is my type of lover. I can be romantic, but when I don't get the message sent by mental telepathy, don't take it out on me. My mental telepathy de-coder machine is after-market and obsolete.
  • My third divorce caused me to lose most of my possessions, all my credit, and go bankrupt. I don't think I'll ever want to marry ever again. But, this is a current opinion, which could be altered as my resolve ages.
  • I don't own a car. I do own an expensive bicycle.
  • One of my personal oddities is to never drink out of a straw--not even in the theater. And because of the little shit that gets between my teeth, I haven't liked popcorn since I had braces on my teeth in highschool.
  • I don't like city life. My future goal (ideal) is to live in a thick forest with no neighbors for many acres in every direction.
  • If I'm lost I will NEVER stop and ask directions because I am never lost. I'm just looking for familiar landmarks.
  • In the Army I lived in: Kentucky; South Korea (twice); Georgia (twice); Alabama; Belgium; New York; Germany (twice) and Kosovo.
  • After retiring I've lived in two different cities in Arizona. Prescott was nicer than Phoenix.
  • I enjoy scuba diving. I dove in the Caribbean off Jamaica, the Red Sea off the Egyptian coast and the Great Barrier Reef and Coral Sea northeast of Australia.
  • Holidays are just another day. I don't buy presents nor expect any. I never purchase Hallmark Cards. I don't expect others to conform to this, but I do remind people when they bring it up: "How was your New Years Eve?" or, "What do you have planned for the 4th of July?" (I really LOVE fireworks, though.)
  • I pay my bills electronically. I haven't written a paper check in years.
  • I was married to my second wife for five years. Coincidentally, about the same time I divorced her I changed jobs from MP to become a CID Special Agent (detective & bodyguard).
  • I retired a Chief Warrant Officer Three (CW3) and currently live on my retirement pay.
  • I have never taken any illegal substance, not even pot. I have never had a cigarette in my mouth. I have no friends who smoke. It's a despicable habit.
  • I have an eight-inch bar and screws in my left arm from a break in Belgium.
  • I have worn a beard occasionally. I had a mustache much of my Army life. I've never worn a goatee after a gay friend once tease-complimented a straight friend's Vandyke by whisper-giggling, "ooh, I bet it would feel just like a pussy."
  • Both of my feet have been broken. The left one when I was playing racquetball in college and the right when I fell off my front walkway last year.
  • I distrust doctors and dentists. I declined to have medical attention when I broke my foot last year. Instead I borrowed an over-the-boot walking cast, which I wore for six weeks. It healed perfectly.
  • I kicked caffeine in 2001. Now I drink water almost exclusively.
  • I love winter. I lived 35 miles from the Canadian border for 3 years and the snow was great. The fall colors were greater. The wet muddy spring was hell.
  • When I drink alcohol I either drink German hefeweissen beer, a creamy drink with Irish Cream (like a mudslide) or coconut rum.
  • When I receive a strong orgasm I giggle.
  • Oddly, the majority of the women I've been intimate with share the same middle name (or a close equivalent) or it was actually their first name.
  • I enjoy listening to trance music when I am creating (painting, drawing, writing, or working on the computer). GOA Trance is especially helpful in my concentration.
  • I don't enjoy most adult (pr0n) movies because of the fakeness. I do like watching the star 'Chloe' because I enjoy watching her climax.
  • I own a hot tub and use it frequently.
  • I love tent camping in the wilderness.
  • I detest lies. I never lie about anything to people I love and trust. I lied daily when I was a detective--the primary reason I turned my back on that career as soon as possible.
  • Gus goes on hikes with me in the woods. For miles he will either follow me or race ahead on our path. The only time he quits is when the sun is beating and there is no shade, then he will refuse to continue and I have to carry him (I have a backpack especially made to carry a cat comfortably).
  • As a CID Agent for over a dozen years, I worked every type of case imaginable. A handful of murder and robbery cases, a larger number of suicides and rapes, and a still larger number of theft and assault cases. I hated baby deaths and child abuses the most.
  • The best present my parents ever gave me were braces on my teeth. I hated the years in high school when I wore them with the headgear and everything. But that was then and my smile is now.
  • For three years I worked protective services (bodyguard). I guarded the NATO Commander in Belgium as well as when he and his spouse traveled. The majority of my time was spent advancing locations to protect my principal from embarrassment. I felt like I was babysitting a couple of mentally challenged 54 year olds.
  • I once got a man to admit to stealing a car I didn't even know was stolen, while questioning him about a car I knew he stole. He kept losing track of his time-line. When I asked him to repeat himself, he again lost track. I finally said, "We keep going over and over this and you keep getting lost, there must have been another car." He replied, "No. I'm not talking about the red Blazer, I'm just talking about the black Caddy." Then he got an oops-look on his face. "Red Blazer?" I said. "aah-shit," He sighed.
  • Whenever I use my hands for manual labor I always injure them (even just stretching canvas). I get cuts, scrapes, blisters, splinters and pinches, even with gloves.
  • I was a sick baby. Because I was her first, my mother didn't know enough about childcare to give me solid food. At my one year checkup the doctor had to inform her that I should be getting more than just a bottle. I attended very little of first and second grade because of mumps, croup, and other childhood diseases (combined with a childhood allergy to most antibiotics).
  • I'm addicted to decongestant nasal spray. I've had to spray my nose at least once a night, every night (with a rare night or three off) for more than twenty-five years.
  • The best car I ever owned was a sky blue, 1964 Chevy Biscayne, 4-door sedan with a straight six. I bought it in 1996 for $3K and sold it in 2002 for $2K after putting 25K miles on it. It ran wonderfully. It could never have survived Arizona unless I put an aftermarket A/C in it. No one should live here without air-conditioning.
  • I love to read. I can sit in the sun and read all day long.
  • I like jazz. My favorite restaurant in the whole world (and I've covered a good chunk of it) is Dante's Down the Hatch in Atlanta. It's a fondue restaurant with live jazz. My favorite restaurant in Phoenix is called Zest.
  • I'm not lazy all the time, but I can sure procrastinate with the best putter-offer's there are.
  • Cave exploring is something I will go out of my way to do. Many years ago I participated in a spelunking group. I have been in dozens of caves from Australia, Austria, Korea, New York, Ohio, Kentucky, Missouri, Indiana, Arizona and Utah.
  • I golf. Not well. Not often. But I still enjoy the walk, the smells, and the feel of the sweet-spot coming in contact with the ball.
  • I have only one filling in my mouth from when I was twelve. I have always maintained good dental hygiene without seeing a dentist and without flossing. Ever. Brushing twice a day without fail has done the trick so far.
  • Until last year I was the best driver I knew. I had driven hundreds of thousands of miles in many dozens of countries on both sides of the roads, with never a fender bender. All that ended when my paramour's SUV flipped while I was driving.
  • I try to maintain an open ear to my intuition. It has always correctly steered me when I listen. And when I don't, I regret it later.
  • I have a collection of over 150 spheres. Most are mineral or rock, a few are glass, wood, metal or plastic; they all are about 1.75" in diameter (give or take a quarter inch). Like a snapshot, I can recall the location I obtained each (and if received as a gift, who gave it to me and why).
  • I hate the texture and taste of every bean except French-style string beans (and then only if served in melted cheese whiz). I only like peas if they are the little, baby, sweet peas. I don't like ANY melon.
  • I love breakfast more than any other meal. I can eat breakfast any time of the day.
  • I get uncomfortable in crowds unless I can get my back to a wall. Even then, if the crowd is packed close I'm uncomfortable.
  • The best concert I ever attended was outside of Rochester, New York: The Alan Parsons Project (with Eric Woolfson) warmed up for Yes (with Rick Wakeman).
  • Calzones over pizzas, English muffins over toast, sausage over bacon, butter over margarine and no fast food, but if I do eat McFood I always take the bottoms off two regular cheeseburgers and eat them doubled; that way I get double the condiments.
  • I can be quite malleable for my significant other. I've bent from Bingo to Casinos to Karaoke.
  • Although I've had many cats come and go, I've only had one dog--Cody, who got run over by a school bus in front of my ex-stepdaughter. I was sorry to lose him...but it was a very loud, very big, very yellow bus, which was driving down a bright mid-day street. He wasn't chasing it, just too stupid to get out of its path.
  • Because of my prior responsibilities as a CID Agent, there are a few people who won't be eligible for parole from federal prison until I begin collecting social security.
  • By accident, I once said "love you" to a prosecuting attorney as I hung up with her. The mistake was all mine. I lost focus on what she was blathering on about. Her voice was so much like my mother's that when the end of the call finally arrived, my mind somehow forgot I was talking to a senior Army officer and should say, "yes ma'am. Have a good day, ma'am. Out here." Instead I just said, "luv ya" and hung up.
  • For three years I owned, and drove regularly, a Hondamatic 350cc motorcycle. More a big mini-bike than an actual motorcycle, it got all mom's 'you can't ride' shit out of my system.
  • I'm apolitical. I think people should vote for the candidate who will provide the best entertainment. Since it rarely matters which shade of tapioca you pick, select the one that will make you laugh. It's why I voted for Perot many years ago.
  • I love to meditate. I get highly energized when I finish a good session.
  • About twice a month I have a lucid dream. I attempt to have them more often, and sometimes am successful, but I only seem to be able to average one every two weeks.
  • Gambling is not in my tool kit. I always lose at games of chance.
  • I've found money on several occasions. I once found a 20 dollar Canadian bill at a desolate campsite near a huge, deep, cold lake where a herd of large rabbits vandalized our food when we were out in the canoe. The most I ever found was a crumpled US 50 dollar bill on the floor of a movie theater in Georgia.
  • Strongly against organized religion, I've witnessed first-hand what religion accomplishes. I lived in Kosovo for seven months. I traveled in both Croatia and Bosnia. Historically more people kill and die because of who their god is than any other reason. The fastest way to get me to stop listening to what you have to say is to start promoting church attendance or proselytizing.
  • I'm a VERY light sleeper. I use a noise machine near my bed (waves, rain, etc) and I still wake up when someone makes a noise in the house, yard or neighborhood.
  • My half-sister is someone I love dearly but can't seem to connect with very well. We seem to always try to help each other but don't always succeed. I suspect her father and my father were as opposite as fire and water, so half our genetic make-up is working against our better intentions.
  • I allow TeVo to screen shows--never watch commercials. I allow voicemail to screen my calls--never answer the phone.
  • I am learning to become a published writer. I will attain this current goal.

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