s n a p p e r h e a d

Occasionally the inbox contains sufficient fodder (second edition)

Josh,

          My first instinct was to delete and forget about your query, which is what I do with 99.9% of such requests.

          In the past, I have accepted a small-few similar proposals. For example: a disc golf merchandiser (which I play and discuss online); another was a web application designer looking for input from a person of my demographic (relatively active, employed, middle-aged male with basic working computer/HTML knowledge).

          Since I rarely receive requests written like yours, I decided to reply. At first glance, you appear to be offering a legitimate marketing arrangement, but I remain skeptical. To assuage my doubts, maybe you could explain what caused you to choose my site? I've yet to write about gambling (on-line or otherwise) and suspect you are merely "casting a wide less-than-perfect net".

          I may be willing to append a banner to my sidebar (on the right of s n a p p e r h e a d) so it would be viewed without scrolling (on the "splash page" is the term). Also, maybe, I could write an article about your client—with embedded hotlinks—if there were incentives to do so.

          But, I rarely permit outside authors to write on my site because most people have dishearteningly low standards when it comes to the use of proper grammar in their written communications. I also am disinclined to cut and paste the words of another writer without the liberal application of my editor's pencil.

          For example, below is your query letter with underscores and highlights where I note that punctuation, capitalization, proper grammar and suggested elimination of clichéd or informal language is warranted.

          A legitimate initial query letter should appear to have been written by a professional who understands the importance of first impressions.  With no intended disrespect, this one does neither.

Hi_
I work for a Discover Media, and i am acting on behalf of a casino client of ours who would like to place an article on your site, or potentially place a banner on your site.

The article would be a one off short piece (300-400 words). We would look to have the piece stay on your site for 12 months period.

The article will not necessarily be about casinos but will contain a link to our clients online casino site. In order to ensure the article is relevant to your site and will be of interest to your audience we have a specialist team of writers who will write a new and unique piece tailored to your site and readers.

Alternatively if you feel more comfortable creating your own content, we would be more than happy to work with you creating a piece that works for both of us.

Ideally we need this to be live as soon as possible we can finalize a deal quickly.

If you had some other website you may also be able to do a deal on then I would happily take a look and see if we can do a group deal, or if you have any friends that may be interested as well?

If you are interested and would like to discuss this opportunity further then please get in touch.

I wish you good luck with your site and look forward to your reply_

Best regards_
Josh

          I provide all of this (albeit unasked for) guidance, Josh, because my intuition tells me you are not an internet troll, or working for a spam marketing company, but just someone who, maybe, could use a little free assistance with his endeavor (which I realize is a rarity in today's lightning-speed world).

          You may use the following revamped query letter verbatim, with my blessings. Or, throw it away, it matters not.

          Begin with filling in the blank with a full name. You found their email address, use their name or, at a minimum, their web-name, or—last resort—use: Website Administrator for website name. Always close with your full name above a title.

Hello __,

Discover Media is currently representing an online casino interested in contracting with you, or the administrator of your website, for the purpose of advertising. Specifically, we are looking for websites willing to enter into a minimum obligation of one year. We would be excited to discuss one or more of these strategies with you:

Webpage article(s) containing embedded hotlinks to the client's site.

Short (300-400 words).
On a variety of subjects or themes (not restricted to casinos).
Authored by yourself (within specific guidelines).
Authored by our staff.

Banner advertising.

Home page, sidebar, "sticky" page, etc.
Click revenue, view revenue, etc.

If you are interested or desire more information please reply to this email or write to josh@discovermedia.co.uk with questions. If you received this letter in error, please reply with not site administrator as the subject line and accept our apologies for any inconvenience.

Respectfully,

Josh _________
Online Marketing Associate
Discover Media, London

Josh, If you happen to be interested in adding to your "specialized team of writers," I might be amenable. I have some time each day to use as I see fit, I enjoy writing (wrote professionally before retiring) and am always interested in a unique challenge.

Very Respectfully,
Veach Glines

Hi

You talk about a first impression yet you start this business venture by picking up on my dyslixia and slating the way i go about my job, before going on to give the most basic of english lessons about how to address a letter to someone,

We will pass on this oppertunity

Josh

I didn't expect you to reply, Josh. Actually, I'm slightly amazed that you did.

As soon as I read your query I realized you didn't belong to a real marketing business and weren't representing a real company, which was why I composed my more-than-rude response.

I don't think your specific not-grammar / no spell-check reads Nigerian, so I'm going to guess Ukrainian?

I wonder if Josh is your real name or if you chose it as a joke, because you're "Joshing with people"? If that's the case, you would need to be familiar with the idiomatic usage of the term, which would then suggest that English isn't your second language. Since it so clearly is, I'm stumped.

I guess there's a slight chance you're a moronic teenage failure using a parent's computer to fuck with people, but I'm still leaning toward you being a scam artist, trying to con people out of money.

I suggest, "Josh", that you refrain from future attempts to foist the dyslexia flag (I correctly spelled it for you with an "e" in the place where you erroneously put that pesky little "i"). I once had a friend with the disorder and there was one word—besides his name—which he always spelled right.

Your scam is probably something like "...convince people they are entering into a business venture, provide them with a contract, which means listing their personal information, and slip in a need for their account numbers under financial information..." Am I even close?

Thank you "Josh" for affording me this second, wonderful, opportunity to p0wn [a first! I 've never had opportunity to use this in a sentence before] an internet scammer such as yourself. It has been equal parts uplifting and giggle-inducing.

Oh and one last thing—just in case you are slightly curious about what all those squiggly red lines are doing under your words—when you right-click over one, a small list of words will appear. It's like magic! Just pick one. Oh...sorry...imbeciles can't pick the correct one...pick the top one. More than fifty percent of the time your word will be right. The rest of the time, you'll have a totally different word, but it'll be spelled perfectly and will be certain to make your rambling run-on groups of words without punctuation a much more humorous read.

Again, thank you so very, very, much. You've put a big smile on my face.

Veach

Stoker - film review (☆☆☆☆)

     Yes, quality film fans, there are still some great ones being created for those of us with patience who know where to look.

   As previously mentioned (more than enough times to suffice) I 'look to the director'—who in this case was Park Chan Wook.

   That's enough information for fans of the film Oldboy and/or his 'Vengence Trilogy'. But for those unfamiliar with his films because they're foreign and subtitled, well...fuck on off and go away...you shouldn't be reading these opinions...there must be a Michael Bay film you could re-watch.

   Still reading? Then I presume you like Mr Park's style of films and you'll not be disappointed by the amount of painstaking detail he devoted on every scene, every facial expression, and especially on every silence in this one. His pacing, score, and dialogue (which is English; his first, I believe) are all crafted with exquisite care. There isn't a second of film in Stoker which hasn't been carefully included with forethought. See it immediately.

The Last Of Us - Review (☆☆☆☆)

   Those familiar with my gaming tastes willn't be taken aback by the idea that I very much liked The Last Of Us. It yielded more than the minimum requisite amount of invested gamehours-per-dollar to justify the new game price (about seventy hours for the first complete play-thru on Normal difficulty).

   It was designed to quench one's puzzle solving thirsts; needle-in-the-haystack itches; stealthy closeup assassinations; distant sniper shots; as well as your everyday wade on in—full frontal attack—slaughter the monsters with molotov's, flamethrowers, handmade landmines, and melon-bursting heavy blunt objects. Yay verily.

If you are a hyper-gamer infected with the attention span of a prozac deprived fruit fly (or someone who gets antsy sitting thru cut-scenes) this game is NOT for you. The cut scenes aren't simple to skip. The "movie element" is a key element in one's "empathy with and investment in the characters". Although Saving/Re-Spawning is possible, one will not return to the saved point, but rather to the most recent checkpoint (discouraging rampant S/RSing, while encouraging contemplative strategizification, and a more stealthy stealthitude toward one's stealthiness).

     The Last Of Us is similar to (and was made by the same designer as) the Uncharted game series, in that they both aren't open sandbox environments and both use third-person perspectives.

   The reason I can't give The Last Of Us my highest rating is the complete lack of side/mini-games, the absence of which is driven home with a heavy lead pipe to the janglebells when, at the very beginning of the game, we stroll through an alleyway market area and are afforded brief glimpses of: people playing some kind of card game; a group of men fighting while onlookers jeer (and bet?); a cage of dogs (which we learn are already sold); and a few booths of items available for eventual purchase. Dear gamer, do not think any of this was foreshadowing. Not in any way.

   Because this game was only designed by Naughty Dog (a second-tier developer) and not by Rockstar or Bethesda (both first-tier), there'll never be an opportunity to play cards, or fight in a ring, or bet on a fight, or buy a dog (to train to attack or even for you to kill and eat in a pinch...how first-tier would that have been?) nor will you ever see a store again or ever barter for goods. In fact, you will almost never see another living thing for the next year that is not trying to kill you. And when you do eventually see some wild animals (with one exception) you'll not be able to hunt them.

   All that aside, it's very engaging and enjoyable and I recommend it to fans of its intended audience.

   I'm currently replaying it at its hardest setting. Not many games keep my interest after I've finished them once (but, maybe, that's only because GTA V is two months away from release).

previously on snapperhead:
Dishonored - Review (☆☆☆+)
LIMBO - game review - ☆☆☆☆☆
Heavy Rain - review

busy now - keep movin along - check back later

I've got my hands full and expect that to continue for a while. I'll be back when the weather turns.

Vote - When We Touch - In The Box - Not Too Shabby

This exquisite corpse has been on the slab for eight months.

I began the first slice (top fourth) in October of 2012, prior to the US presidential election, with my one-word title: Vote.

It was finished this month, May of 2013, which is a minor voting month in many parts of the US. Interestingly, local voters decided (for the fifth time since 1956) to keep our water free of added chemicals; Portland is now the only major-metropolitan US city which doesn't add fluoride to their water.

I especially enjoy these nice coincidences:

bugs in my slice are mirrored by Doctormatt's spider in his bottom slice
continual grey background in all four
the bending "pipe" threading through them all visually ties the entire corpse together
that the heads in beatsoul's slice (In The Box) could also accidentally suggest "politicians"