When the ringmaster began to teach itself to learn to pay attention it was too small to move very far or at all. And never quickly. At that time, the ringmaster witnessed sounds of happy cheerfulness, calm relaxation, and a variation of positive tones or even some irritating wavelength vibrations. It witnessed a range of focused, kind, expressions. Smiles big and small; soft touches; a range of environmental and garment changes, which were sweaty or shivery; and the ringmaster heard too many to remember unknowable noises. Once in a while, it heard a shockingly loud sound which would cause it to wake up.
The ringmaster soon realized, all of these sounds, touches, tastes, and sights were caused by the big people. Some sounds happened because the big people had to make that noise in order to help the ringmaster move, eat, clean, and not be sweaty or shivery. It decided that it liked many of the sounds and smells and tastes provided by big people. It felt especially content, at times, when a big person not-only erased
some discomfort but provided an unexpected feeling of pleasure.
However, some of the big people's sounds or smells or temperatures were exceedingly uncomfortable and the ringmaster realized it needed to some-how inform the big people they were not doing their job correctly.
Consequently, the ringmaster taught itself to make a sound of its own. When a discomfort did not go away (or actually got worse and increased) the ringmaster could contort the muscles surrounding its feeding orifice and force its breathing mechanism to create a unique notification noise.
While practicing their notification noise, the ringmaster discovered it was possible to muffle or not hear the loudness of the noise they were making, at least not at its full volume, if they fully stretched open their feeding orifice. Wide.
Their notification noise had successfully resulted in big people reducing their discomforts for as long as the ringmaster could
recall. And. Over
time. The ringmaster came to identify a small number of big people were better at increasing their
comfort-pleasure and reducing their discomfort-pain than others. It differentiated the big people mostly by their smells and sounds.
That changed in the recent last before. When it was easy to see because the space was blurry-bright. That was when the ringleader recognized an odd disconnect. A few of the big
people, who had previously been better at their job than others, seemed—for no
discernible reason—to choose not to reduce discomfort when it notified them with the notification noise. Instead, one of the big people arrived and intentionally increased its discomfort-pain. The ringleader did not understand. This lack of understanding was new. Uncomfortably new.
Now-now it was difficult to see because the space was dimly lit. The ringmaster considered maybe it had previously done something out of sequence. I am a captive who can not move on my own and when I am uncomfortable I use the notification noise. Like this (and the ringmaster forced its breathing mechanism to expel its breath as its eating orifice opened to squeeze down on its hearing mechanisms). And, now, big people should arrive and make me comfortable. Not this time. Again, I'll do it again. Still nothing. I can normally hear the big person make its arrival noises. I hear no arrival noises. This is illogical.
The illogical happened with more and more regularity. Some dimly lit times and brightly lit times would be back to normal. Other times it would be illogical. They could no longer expect the big person's arrival was a guarantee that "things were going to soon get better." Instead, the ringleader was put in a position to feel a constant level of uncertain about the arrival of the big person. This uncertainty carried with it a constant awareness which became a vague disconcerted feeling in the background of the ringleader's awareness.
Should I do something to not encourage the big person to arrive? I will test that theory. If I do not make the notification noise, even if I am very uncomfortable (and I am uncomfortable right now) maybe they will arrive and it will be normal. No matter how uncomfortable I currently feel, is it possible that I could be making "things be worse" when I use my notification noise?
Accordingly, the ringmaster began to pay close attention to any detail which might help it to pre-identify what every big person intended before they arrived in the place where the ringleader was imprisoned. Was there a different sound, smell, or subtle sequence of visual images which accompanied or preceded the big person's arrival? Something which might indicate if their arrival was going to reduce discomfort or increase discomfort?
Becoming hyper-alert for the possible increase in discomfort-pain, resulted in the blooming of fear to begin to exist and never leave. Never leave ever again. Normal times were never again. Forgotten. The illogical times were now happening too often to not expect them to be expected as the new constant. Use or not use of the notification noise was not connected to receiving pleasure or receiving pain. Nonetheless, the ringmaster decided to no longer use the notification noise except in an absolute pain emergency of the ultimate measure.
One of the times it considered an emergency was when it continued to
over force and extra-exert its breathing mechanism so that its sensory organs could eventually become more
and more fuzzy and many of its discomforts could drift away and become a
distantly-diminished forgotten thing and it could cause itself to go to
sleep, even if it had been fully rested.
Now, it would only exert its breathing mechanism to that extent when it was already lying down. Because it had one-previous-time been fully issuing its notification noise while standing holding the bars and, after it got fuzzy, the ringmaster fell and banged painfully-hard against the edge of the cage.
When
any big person actually arrived and provided comfort-pleasure, now a fantastic feeling of relief rushed in to wash away the ever-present discomfort as well as the accompanying fear (that the discomfort was never going to go away ever again). That fear never actually disappeared, however. Even when the pleasure was sublime. "The pleasure is always only temporary." (Was what the ringmaster understood the fear communicated as it waited patiently for the pleasure to be replaced with discomfort).
Because of that fear, the ringleader was now always cautious when their hypocrite of a warden arrived. No longer did the ringleader express any eagerness or any pleased demeanor when the warden came to their cage. This confused the warden.
The warden thought the ringleader was defective. The warden took it to a health official.
"...cries day and night...always fussy...don't know what could be wrong..."
"...significantly underweight for twelve months...what are you feeding?..."
"...bottle of formula...three times a day...breakfast, lunch, dinner...why?.."
"...just hungry...should've fed cereal at 2 months...and any food by now..."
My Self began to be aware it was (uncomfortably) forming when I was constantly hungry, shitting only liquid, growing a world-record diaper rash (inflamed by cotton diapers trapped under rubber pants) and left, untouched, in a cold, drafty, attic crib (in Maine) between my second month and twelve-months of age. Thanks to a doctor's office scheduling my "annual checkup" this torture only lasted for about 300 days.
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