s n a p p e r h e a d

The Short Game - film review (☆☆☆☆☆)

          The Short Game is a reality-documentary-competition film. Five stars! How's that possible and why do I think it? Read on.

          It begins in the familiar way these things do: catchy montage; authoritative deep male voice over; introduction of the child golfers, who will be filmed over a period of months as they prepare for, and then compete in, the world junior golf championship.

          The producers and director borrowed the template used in the golf show Big Break as well as Toddlers and Tiaras and many, many, other reality TV shows by spending a few minutes with each of the main competitors (three girls and five boys) on their home turf (two from Florida, one each from: Texas, California, France, South Africa, China, and the Philippines) introducing themselves and their families. At this point we, the viewers, begin to make decisions about who we are going to like, dislike, and root for—based solely on snippets of conversation and/or actions captured by the film crew and, of course, by our preconceived biases.

          Very early in the film it becomes obvious that the cinematographer(s) and the music producer play a very important role in making this an extremely enjoyable film. The transitions and the music montages are carefully done with attention to detail. The editing is masterful.

          I can't recall the last time I watched a film and recognized that the contributions of the "people behind the scenes" were not only important to the overall watching experience, but were THE REASON for liking the film. You know when your heartstrings are being strummed; we all do. In this film the documentary film makers, without a script, manipulate our emotions with music, editing, camera and microphone angles and omnipresence. I laughed. I cried. I cheered. I constantly muttered, "so mature for eight years old". I became aware of my preconceived biases (which is something the director wanted me to do) and I came away wishing it were possible to peek into the lives of these child-people in a few years to see how hormones alter them (kind of an Up series with golf as the common denominator).

To really like this film, it will help if you already know something about and maybe even enjoy the game of golf...but it is not a requirement (any more than you had to know something about child beauty pageants to like Little Miss Sunshine.) This film is available on download and DVD; I think you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

...your tired, your poor, your huddled...

Modern Design Incorporated - when in need of irony and jewelry

          And now for something completely different.

          To be honest, I previously reviewed a few products and websites (some still can be found on the links page) but this one is none-the-less completely different.

          Before I go into the heavy rough weeds of the story (and to show that I don't always 'bury the lead') please let me impress upon you, dear reader, that Modern Design is a real jewelry company. Interested in purchasing jewelry from the internet? They offer an amazingly fantastic selection, successfully ship items in several nested packages designed to camouflage their contents, and are very interested in your on-line business.

          Over a month ago I received their initial query letter which explained they were a Los Angeles-based company specializing in wedding and engagement rings striving to obtain a larger internet presence. They offered a tungsten ring in exchange for my review.

          I was highly skeptical. So I did a small amount of research into their company and eventually found and thoroughly examined their website. After confirming they were legitimate, I agreed. They replied: pick any ring, select a size, and give us an address to mail it...which I did. A week later an extremely well packaged ring arrived.

          I discovered two issues with their website; one would be easy to fix, the other slightly harder:

It is difficult to page-back to a specific ring from a previous page because the order in which their extensive product line is displayed can change. In other words, the ring you saw four minutes earlier on the top of page 4 under the category "men's titanium" is now in the middle of page 6 when you clicked on the "custom fit" link. One remedy for this might be if they included "click to compare" buttons (found on many electronics sites).
Most rings are not identified on the website by a product number but instead by lengthy titles filled with descriptors. This would be simple to fix if they just add a number somewhere.

When I selected a ring it was (and still is) identified as Ring Tungsten. (The hotlink wasn't something I included in my e-mail...an oversight...but I don't think it's possible for me—acting as "the reviewer" in this transaction—to be at fault.) The ring I received was actually Brushed Tungsten Carbide ring with Polished Grooved Center. I requested beveled edges and received squared-off ones; preferred polished with brushed; got brushed with polished. Obviously, if you were to use their shopping cart system this mistake would be less likely to occur.

This was only the big-final problem I experienced, the first issue was in their initial query letter and promotional flyer:

While you mumble about the incongruous black splashed border, irritating multi-font usage, and attempt to pull your focus away from that terribly cropped snapshot of a collection of smog-stained sandstone-colored concrete buildings under a green sky, I may need to remind you at this point that I did, really really, receive a quality ring. And while this miserably designed flyer contains several superfluous elements it does not contain a physical address, web address, or any links to their website. Important, because their initial query letter also contained no links to a website and ended thusly:

... Please let me know as soon as possible since we're contacting some other bloggers as well and we only have a limited number to give away this month.

Regards,
Marie L
ModernDesign.com

          Moderndesign.com is a web company with a slick and unique take on how to market yourself if your name includes the words modern and design.

          I suspect neither this last paragraph nor my title for this post are strong or loud enough in the hint department. Here's me being overt: HEY MODERNDESIGNINC.COM, HIRE MODERNDESIGN.COM TO RE-TOOL EVERY INCH OF YOUR WEB FACADE. YOUR CURRENT ONE SCREAMS "SCAM".

          I eventually located the jewelry company who wants to obtain a larger presence on the web and who mistakenly employed a child-family-member who understands as much about design as she does about domain names. (Marie: that pesky little "inc" is so very very necessary.)

Because both their promotional advertisement and their query letter included the sentence: We can't wait to hear about your experience with Modern Design! I offer this tangent:

Several years ago I'd, on-occasion or occasionally depending on my mood, amble over to the blog review site Ask And Ye Shall Receive so that I could read a new giggle or two from internet foolz and their playmatez. I haven't done so in years (before they stopped in 2011) but I recall they were very upfront with who they were. When your domain name is iwillfuckingtearyouapart, one doesn't need to delve very deep to understand what it is you shall receive when you ask.

I think it may also be important to know the writing of David Thorne is of personal value to me. I love the name of his web page: Go Away and admire every aspect of his trademarked logo (which I include just to the right completely without his knowledge or permission). It is an amazingly perfect example of modern design; embodying the exact right balance of space, tension, color, and multiple-font usage, while informing, communicating, and intriguing with equal amounts of mirth and sincerity. You will not forget a logo of this quality.

If you have read this far...let me conclude by saying wow....thanks for sticking with this review and for the ring. I suspect, however, if you'd read a few of my posts you may not have been so quick with your offer.

Still not sated? Try this one where a disc golf company requested a review of their website, or this funny one where an online casino asked for advertising with a horrendous query letter. I have written dozens of film reviews. And here are a ton of book and blog reviews.

first day of snow in portland (make a flake)

my make a flake - last winter
my make a flake - 2011

Porno sacrale (sacred) - Luxovisioni

interactive video - Bob Dylan

Rental Car "inside scoop" - scratch and dent evaluator

          As a part-time "temporary" driver for Enterprise, Alamo, and National (ERAC, yes they're all one company) I've learned a few tidbits of information which could benefit those of you who rent from these agencies:

          • Of the three sister agencies, National considers itself the top. Accordingly, National cars are relegated to one of the other agencies as soon as they reach an arbitrary (and ever-fluctuating) "high mileage" point.

          • National rarely, if ever, will offer mid-size, compact, or economy cars. Unless you're looking for a specific model of luxury car or SUV (National's bread and butter) go with Alamo or Enterprise. This guy explains how to get a deal (I don't advocate his suggestions, but it is interesting that in his mind—that of a car salesman—it's not lying, it's just being savvy).

          • Never, never, never rent a car from any agency without performing a thorough examination of the vehicle (both inside and out). Document every scratch, burn, dent, or ding no matter the size.

• Every ERAC employee knows they'll most-likely be terminated if they damage a car. Minimum wage employees, like myself, move all vehicles from car-return areas, to the service areas, to temporary storage, from temporary storage, and back to the "ready" lines. And we are referred to as "temp drivers" because eventually we are either hired on full-time (for being careful, conscientious, and competent) or terminated. Most full-time ERAC employee's know better than to move a car; some managers prohibit their manager trainees and/or service associates from re-positioning cars (even from one spot to the next) because of the accident=termination policy. If you rent a car without checking it, you risk being blamed for employee damage.

• The below scratch and damage evaluator card is what employee's of ERAC use to determine if you are charged for discovered damage. The actual card is printed on clear plastic. I added the inches above the card so you can insure yours is to-scale.

Pogo - Lead Breakfast

Just a reminder: Pogo is still creating fantastic music. Head over to his channel to catch up on the latest (or—if unfamiliar—to experience something enjoyably-new). If this "mature content" video is not your cuppa...he has a wonderful collection of Disney (I highly recommend Wishery).

Re-collecting Memories ❸ the third dozen

← the first dozen
← the second dozen

1984 25 Camp Howze, Korea - SGT - decision time: reenlist? - last 3 years "for family" have been thankless - learned no skills applicable to a civilian job - rare personnel fluke permits reenlisting to retrain into the MP corps. Finally...a career decision for myself! Optimistic. Eager.
Camp Howze, Korea - SP4 - barracks is an open-bay Korean-war era quonset hut - after curfew, PFC Redbird wakes me up with his stereo - for many weeks I turn it off after he passes out (so I can sleep) - one night he turns it back on - we fight - I smash the boombox - he smashes me - I learn the folly of punching a drunk. Bruised and beat. Forced to replace a stereo. Seriously reprimanded. Three times a loser.

1985 26 Fort McClellan, Alabama - SGT - MP school - provided a hotel in Anniston, Alabama (with other sergeants) to reduce the chances of us fraternizing with the junior trainees - third week of training: a stunning private in a tight t-shirt flirts with me - we secretly meet every subsequent weekend until graduation. Bold. Attractive. Exhilarated. Desired.
Fort Stewart, Georgia - SGT - I purchase a Hondamatic motorcycle - with all my post-divorce possessions strapped to it, I drive 500 miles - the skin on my arms above my normal tan receives a serious second degree sunburn. Scarred. Stupid. Permanently freckled.

1986 27 Fort Stewart, Georgia - SGT - driver during a 45 minute top-speed pursuit - sheriff deputies from neighboring counties assist - recover the stolen car - no one injured (thieves escape on foot into the forest). Unequaled adrenaline rush. Excited. Euphoric.
Fort Stewart, Georgia - SGT - break up a "bar fight" - left thigh punctured in the scuffle, about an inch deep, by a small pocket knife - in order to avoid being reprimanded (failing to thoroughly search a suspect) I tell no one about the stabbing - doctor my own leg - patch my uniform. Sheepish. Careless. Lucky but dumb.

1987 28 Yongsan, Korea - SGT - assigned investigator duties (from uniformed desk sergeant duty) - civilian clothes - unmarked vehicles - additional training - more responsibilities - less regimentation. Proud. Professional. Important.
Yongsan, Korea - SGT - step off a public bus in downtown Seoul - as my right foot touches the curb, I experience a migraine (or mini-stroke) - the pain lasts less than a second - knees buckle - the most excruciating burst of blazing electric white I can conceive of. Dizzy. Relieved. Certain I'd have ended my own life to stop it, if it had endured for any length of time. Frightened.

1988 29 Yongsan, Korea - SGT - free tickets to the summer Olympics in Seoul - trackside when Florence Griffith Joyner (Flo-Jo) wins one of her gold medals. Not present when Greg Louganis struck the diving board with his head. Enthusiastic. Patriotic. Happy.
Yongsan, Korea - SGT - my application to become a CID agent is returned disapproved - 'derogatory background check' is the stated reason. Crushed. Incredulous. Defeated (I have already turned down promotion twice to qualify for this position).

1989 30 Yongsan, Korea - SGT - granted Top Secret (TS) security clearance - FOIA request my background documents: no derog info - confused by the dichotomy, I re-apply and request an official review - approved for CID special agent school - "suspicion of adultery" was rationale for initial disapproval (based solely on the coincidence of my '85 return from Korea and subsequent divorce and my marriage to a Korean a year later). Elated. Persistence paid-off. Vindicated.
Yongsan, Korea - SGT - a week away from departure, my extremely distressed and confused, mentally handicapped, indoor-only cat escaped from the pet carrier (as we are heading to the veterinarian) - all efforts to catch him fail - left him on the streets of Seoul. Culpable. Downhearted. Glum.

1990 31 Columbus, Georgia - SGT - pick up a wadded bill from the floor of the Fort Benning movie theater - after the film, I discover it's a fifty. Sad for the person who lost it. Rationalize keeping it by telling myself: 'only an idiot wads up a fifty dollar bill and jams it in their pocket'. Fortuitous.
Columbus, Georgia - SGT - my unit deploys to Saudi Arabia for Desert Shield - unaccredited agents (like me) must remain behind - my new task is to efficiently terminate every "less serious" case - I close more than 80 in four weeks - admonished by the operations officer for continuing to investigate a soldier-on-civilian rape allegation - I question him - he replies, "she's just a Korean...they're all whores...close it...immediately". Blindsided. Aghast. Offended. Hamstrung by my probationary status. Disillusioned.

1991 32 Columbus, Georgia - SSG - double eagle (three under par) on the final par 5 of the Bradley golf course - from the white tee: average drive, middle of the fairway - perfect 3 wood second shot - slight uphill, over 250 yards, hit the flagstick - rolls in the hole for a 2. Astonished. Flabbergasted. Quite pleased with my once-in-a-lifetime shot.
Columbus, Georgia - SSG - attempt to repair my acrimonious eight-year estrangement with my (bigoted) immediate family - vacation in Indiana - introduce my wife of five years - no one (including me) can let bygones become water under the bridge. Tense. Vexed. Ill at ease.

1992 33 Columbus, Georgia - SSG - most tumultuous year - 3 relationships (divorce, affair, marriage) - 3 assignments (personal crimes, duty team, economic crimes) - 3 schools (fraud investigations, protective services, hostage negotiations) - everything happening at once - living life in the heavily occupied vehicle lane (speeding past my peers). Glad it all happened. Amazed to experience/accomplish so much so fast.
Columbus, Georgia - SSG - personal compass needle spinning - too much too fast - living life according to the whim of hormones and the schedule of supervisors. Weary. Crazy. Glad to put it all behind.

1993 34 Mons, Belgium - WO1 - graduate from warrant officer candidate school - assigned to General Shalikashvilli's protection detail - diplomatic passport - upgraded security clearance (TS-SCI). Enjoy the unexpected perks of constant travel. Superior. Elite.
Mons, Belgium - WO1 - complete staff turnover - new SACEUR - all new supervisors (who've never heard the phrase: if it's not broken don't fix it). Discouraged. Worried.

1994 35 Mons, Belgium - WO1 - Athens and the Aegean islands, Moscow, Oslo, Florence, Venice, Garmish, Berlin, London, Amsterdam, Dresden, Lake Geneva. Busy. Worldly. Amazed. Awestruck.
Mons, Belgium - WO1 - Lisbon, Sarajevo, Istanbul, Livorno, Izmir, Norfolk, Harrisburg, Dijon, Ukraine. Tired of babysitting a couple of pretentious adults. More wary of back stabbing co-workers and fumbling foreign police than terrorists. Concerned. Cautious. Disdainful.

1995       36         Mons, Belgium - CW2 - off leash, Cody—my new dog—will heel, sit, stay, come, lie down and fetch - still working on jumping, climbing, eating only with permission and barking only on command - we run together for miles every week - always looking for new challenges to teach my new playmate. Ecstatic when training is successful. Happy when he's pleased.
                            Mons, Belgium - CW2 - slip on a throw rug in my living room, land on my elbow and break my left arm - surgery - metal plate - terrible hospital (almost die from a previously unknown allergy to morphine-based pain med.) - worse surgeon (sharp heads of the 8 countersunk screws aren't sunk into the plate, points of six of the screws protrude through the bone) - office flunky during rehab. Embarrassed. Miserable. Bad health still about every 15-years (see 1979 and 1964). Most stressful series of experiences.
      the fourth dozen →